Heaviness

When my prevailling sensation is heaviness, I think I should already know by now that I’m in trouble, though I don’t normally recognise it. It’s a downtrend into the depths of negativity, self-deprecation, non-acceptance, and self-judgement. This is a horrible habit and one that seems to have been developed very early in my life. It seems to be an extension of the criticism and control that my parents enforced on me and my siblings. They also united their control with the concept of the Catholic Christian God. To this day, I resent what they have done, which shows me that I have much more healing to do.

I’ve come a long way and I am proud of my efforts in the process of healing and recovery from deep depression (in college in the early nineties). I’m nearly 34 years old and still fall into the trap of heaviness, negativity, and rigidity. I usually think my way out of it—which takes a great deal of time and attention. I write in my journal and contemplate my situation, experience, thoughts, emotions, intentions, desires, and relationships. I tend to get philosophical and read a lot of psychological and religious material to bump or nudge me me out of the stupor of suffering. And, it’s hard stuff; which makes me realize how much more healing I need to do. I need to be loving and compassionate with myself. I need to find authentic happiness and allow it to resonate in my being through all of my actions.