Here and now, my head aches, sinuses are pressurizing my skull, my lymphatic system feels swollen, and my annual allergies make me feel horribly near sick this time of the year.
A lot of things are happening in my life, but I can only attend and pay good attention to a small amount of it. Quickly, guilt, annoyance, anger, exhaustion, apathy, and anxiousness become my experience of life, not just physical pains.
Fun, peace, happiness, balance are not words or concepts I resonate with nowadays. Life is a chore, with health maintenance and personal hell to navigate. I don’t want to carry along sickness in body/mind; that’s exactly why I’m writing and trying to sort through all the mess. Immediately I know I’m treading in the wrong direction when I think this way. Stop clinging! The process of health is … um, uuuuuhhh, a delusion. With infinite variables, how can I assume to arrive at health? I attempt healing actions, herbs, and relationships, though typically find myself mostly floundering along with pain in body/mind. Health doesn’t continue, but pain presses on. Awareness doesn’t last, though delusion overwhelms. I don’t know, I really don’t know.
I’m getting so tired of life experience like this. I feel like the world does not support me and that I am alone due to delusion and pain. Receiving assistance even feels contrived and imprecise. How do others’ know what will help me heal? I appreciate what others do for me, but I feel like I am losing my natural sense of interconnectedness. Life occurences seem ever more abstract and meaningless, especially as delusion and pain persist, and health and awareness subside.
The Zen way of working with this is to pay attention, annew, now. Don’t manifest views or opinions and compassionately return to what needs doing with attention.
How do I relieve my own suffering?
The 4 Noble Truths
- The Nature of Dukkha: Suffering exists in life. Truth of Suffering. (Life means suffering.)
- The Origin of Dukkha (Samudaya): Suffering is caused by craving. Truth of the Cause of Suffering. (The origin of suffering is attachment.)
- The Cessation of Dukkha (Nirodha): To eliminate suffering, eliminate craving. Truth of the Cessation of Suffering. (The cessation of suffering is attainable.)
- The Way Leading to the Cessation of Dukkha (Magga): To eliminate craving follow the Eightfold Path. Truth of the Path to the Cessation of Suffering. (The path to the cessation of suffering.)
References:
http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths
Nonetheless, my life feels like it is just getting flushed down the toilet. Existing in self-delusion, the delusions of others, and the delusion of all the cultures of the world, I feel useless with all the unintentional karma binding me to the strange simplicity of mundane living experience. I am not special, I am merely unique with an particular mix of common human attributes. I don’t feel appreciated, nor do I want to. I am not interested in self-aggrandizement or self-inflation due to tacking on additional views—whether positive or negative. Am I neutral yet? No. Am I meaningless yet? Sort of. Am I detached from connection points with reality? Yes, in many ways. What is there to salvage here and how do I do such? Is this the process of meaningful healing—recycling & repurposing myself? Isn’t that just more egotistical separation from authentic being? I don’t know, I really don’t know.
