I’m doing something that is serious and seriously necessary for me to do. My suffering in life brings me to this kind of action. Egocentric mind/body conditioning is going to have to make way for awareness, compassion, love, and healing. I am currently in Day 10 of committing to 30 days of Zen meditation, Qi Gong, chanting Faith in Mind sutra, reviewing the Four Noble Truths, contemplation with “Making a Change for Good” book by Cheri Huber, journaling, working on a process oriented art piece, no radio, no TV, no typical music, no news, no eating out or cafes, no typical habitual coping escapes, doing work, cooking, limiting caffeine/sugar/meat, cleaning, caring for myself and the cats, taking herbs and supplements, and maintaining as much attention and awareness as possible.
The first day was full of not knowing what to do. By the third day, that was mostly gone. The whole first week was good and I was quite happy practicing. But, then, I struggled with practicing and fell into depressing myself and feeling really bad, even while working through the feelings and journaling. I realized within one day that I had to recommit and make certain I am choosing this path of awakening. Daily, now, I need to remember that the difficulty I am committing to and experiencing in practicing is compassionate self-discipline, not isolation or hardship for no reason. This is a good step into taking my practice ever more seriously and realistically.
Each day, not in a manipulated or forced way, I must continue to choose to end suffering and follow through with the conscious awareness of compassionate self-discipline. 30 days is not long in comparison to all the days I’ve suffered from delusion, ignorance, and wanting life to be other that it is. I must return to my life everyday, simply and with conscious awareness so that I discontinue ego/self identification with thoughts, emotions, sensations, illusions, and cravings. This is a life changing experience I am putting myself through, because I need to for myself and others. I truly don’t want to dwell in selfish delusion because it causes too much harm. Escaping life is not beneficial, even if it tastes or feels good for a moment. Then, it’s gone too. Impermanence and change are becoming beneficial components of life. Nonseparation and moderation are becoming satisfactory aspects of experience. With diligence and expanded capacity to live with reality as it is, rather than the way I want it to be, I am healing. This is daily practice, beyond 30 days, beyond the New Year’s resolutions, beyond a wish for things to be better. This is now, the quality of life, and not just mine. With practice, over time, joy may develop naturally as I realize aspects of reality my mind can’t imagine yet. Small mind is becoming my functional friend in active living practice. Thank you, mind. Thank you, body. Compassionately, lets continue forth. Gently, relax, there’s no other moment than now.
