Understanding thorough non-dualistic emptiness is not a particularly useful concept for me at this moment. Simply, with some realistic empathetic compassion for my suffering caused by my own conditioned ego habits in thought and action, I must begin to believe in my inherent goodness. My habit of depression appears rooted in dismissing my true worthiness, my original nature, my completeness in being real, the fullness of my existence, my being a part of inseparable nature of life and reality.
Ego mind thinking rambles on and on. This part of my mind always seems to take me over and force me into passivity in life. I couldn’t hug my mom this morning, even though she made the atypical loving effort to hug me. I couldn’t speak to friends at a party, even though they were kind enough to greet me. I couldn’t thank my significant other, even though she did find ways in support of me. I gave in, I caved in. I victimized myself through believing my fears, negative thinking, self-doubt, guilt, confusion, and unworthiness of being alive. I denied my true self in being my guide.
I think it is important, particularly when depression gets so horrendously self mutilating, to try to figure out why. This is no easy task, because I’ve seemingly necessarily had to spend 15 years writing in journals, reading countless pertinent spiritual & self-help books, and making searching for answers one of my highest priorities in life. Beyond money, time, energy, people, self, work, I’ve spent my time trying to figure out and understand what is going on and why this is so with me. It’s been my life’s primary effort, again, seemingly necessarily so. Hence, in self-discovering and self-revealing, a mere two months ago, that I have been suffering from self-victimization and identification with the aggressor in protection of my survival founded on the traumatic experience of wordless fear of near-death in infancy which results in passive-aggressive co-dependent forms of relating to others, my life has changed.
My fiancee abandoned me and cancelled our wedding plans as well as our communication. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. I suppose she cannot handle the truth very well either. I understand. It has taken me so very long with so very much effort to begin to handle, comprehend, and realize this truth for myself. I am farily certain she won’t be reading this blog, but I wish she would/could. I am honestly angry at her action of abandonment, but I certainly know how very hard it must be for her to deal with my depressed conditioned egocentric being, because it was very hard for me to bear the experience of depressing myself so relentlessly.
I didn’t believe I was good enough, not for anything or anyone, nor for God, as I thought he forsaked and denied me too. But all of this negativity is my own, born, only in part, by the intrinsic suffering and pain of life itself. As a child I was unable to discern, nor understand. I learned to follow my parent’s, teacher’s, priest’s, friend’s, role model’s ideas, expectations, projections, and ways of seeing. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and yet I also had a strangely envigorating sensation of and firmly faithful connection with God’s absolute and infinite permeation throughout existence. As a child, this protected me from bad dreams and assisted me in preserving some sanity in day-to-day, week-to-week confusion of life and seeing hypocrisy and inconsistency everywhere I seemed to look. “Why is life so screwed up?,” I used to think continuously. Now I realize I learned that question from my critical and worry minded parents, father and mother respectively.
So here I am now, in the process of healing in depression recovery. As difficult as it is, it is also comforting. As I’ve mentioned to quite a number of people lately, I feel supported from <em>every</em> dimension of my life right now. From my ex-fiancee to my parents, from plants to energy, I am clearly supported by the inseparably continuous fabric of reality. Without a deep gratitude and awareness of this absolute support, I’d likely not even be writing any of this realization. I am eternally grateful.
Goodness…
