When I was young, I had a vision-like abstract nightmare. I do not recall exactly what age I had this frightening dream; I must have been older than 8, though not likely as old as 12. I’ll guess at 10 years of age, making me a 4th grader in a new school, the same time I shifted from being a rebellious and rambunctious kid to an introverted and intelligent guy.
In the middle of the night, I was half-awaken by a very memorable vision of colorful shapes approaching me from directly in front of me/beyond the foot of my bed. These shapes–triangle, square, and circle (I don’t recall other shapes) in yellow, red, and possibly blue or green or purple–were slowly approaching me as if in space from quite some distance. I was afraid, and as they got closer I know I got up and cowered at the head of my bed. As they reached the approximate edge of my room, I lept off my bed and headed to the closet, at which moment, they disappeared and it was over. I was awake and alarmed by this experience. It was obvious that it was a dream, yet the strange abstract quality and odd importance of this original experience remained in my mind. I’ve described this experience to a few people and written it in my journal as well. Now I share it here, as you will understand why as you read this post.
Mid-December of 2004, I was recently broken up from a significant relationship. It was getting harder to deal with the break up and understand why and how it could happen. I was doing OK, I had a good job and was living my life as well as possible. I had another vision that appeared in a dream. It was a symbol that I recalled as I awoke in the morning. I did not know what the symbol was or could be symbolizing at the time aside from it feeling incredibly significant and personally meaningful. Being a graphic designer, I was interested in this symbol revealing vision and quickly sketched the simple form in my journal.
Two and a half months of relationship woes and worries pass by over the winter, and at the end of February 2005, I had a very strong transformational experience lasting 3 days. I had finished a temporary job, recently gotten over a stress related cold, and spent an evening talking with my ex and crying. I walked home in the cold and the next three days were a flurry of explorative, meditative, singing, moving, and wakefulness thinking. I slept only as needed and not much at that. I was nearly high on and in my personal experience of gapping from typical habitual conditioned being to free and actualized brilliance in the reality of existence. This was a significant awakening experience that catapult me into living with awareness of the beauty of being alive in the present moment. The symbol which I envisioned months earlier became an abstract and infinite self-actualization symbol. Only a few days later, as I was visiting my brother in Seattle, I got tattooed with this personal symbol, or sigil, on my left arm. If you rotate the following group of three line-based characters 90 degrees clockwise, that’s what this symbol basically looks like. -)| This is a very powerful symbol of awakening that resists ego identification due to it’s abstractness and enables an ever-changing reintegration of the essential nature of reality.
I have been tattooed with this symbol and have been practicing with it’s significance in my life for nearly 4 years now. After my “gap” awakening experience, I opened greatly to the energy of reality and to many new things that continue to be amazing influences in my current life. And, in a similar way, as I was reading about the Tao of Philosophy today, I was immediately struck by the harmonizing quality of the two vision experiences I’ve had with Taoism. Until now, I had been trying to fit “my symbol” with essential Zen Buddhist philosophy. This has worked with some degree of sense and suitability, but not as immediately aligned as the shapes converge with the sigil symbol. Hence, simply, even though Taoist influences have been with me for years alongside Buddhist study, today, I perceive a significant shift toward the acceptance of the Taoist alignment as a course of activity that has been present in my most interesting and significant experiences in life. I also find this synergistic self-revelation poignant as it has occurred on the last day of this rocky year of 2008.
And I pray, may this path of movement, from the emptiness and relevance of my experience, bring forth goodness and harmony in the Way things are. Catholicism taught me conditioned discipline, Zen Buddhism opened my mind, and Taoism will harmonize the spirit with the body and mind in the Great Way of all existence.
