letting go is compassion

I’ve been sharing my struggles with life with a few people lately. I needed the input, because I wasn’t getting “far enough” and through my issues. (Two of my core issues)

Here are a couple quotes from my journal after a discussion with my brother who made time for me to talk over the weekend. “Let go, not of the loving and the authentic awareness connection in openness, BUT of the issue, the knowing, the wanting other than what is. Return to tending, being with, and resting in presence.” “The seeing that my issue of lamenting non-authentic connection with “loved ones” is causing suffering for me and for others and causing non-connection with current loved ones is revelatory.”

Then, after thinking and understanding these things, some calm relflection allowed me to let go and realize that letting go in awareness is compassionate action. And, it was clear, and still is rather clear that this letting go IS compassion. Awareness is the truth of our being in existence, which is non-egotistic and non-dualistic and non-thinking. The simplicity of this calm and simple truth is so often unknown and unexperienced because we are not letting go of our “egocentric karmic conditioning,” as Cheri Huber puts it. And then it is also clear that there is nothing to gain when we let go. This isn’t about health or peace, this is about seeing that we are creating our own suffering and we can realize it’s cessation through the compassionate activity of letting go of the madness of all of it–ego, conditioning, thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, habits, consciousness, desires, avoidances, beliefs, ideas, et cetera. This is where Krishnamurti is so helpful in reiterating over and over that “the seeing is the doing.” When we see that we are causing our own suffering by not letting go, then letting go is compassionate activity.

Gratitude to all wise teachers, aware friends, and those who don’t quite understand, because learning abounds if we are open to the way things are.

on suffering

Tonight has been unusual and I feel very compelled to write about my experience here and now. I have already written in my handwritten journal during the experience. So, this blog post is reflection.

I walked home slowly and reflectively from the bus, returning from a typical day at work.

I was tired and annoyed about the build-up of stress throughout the day. I awoke to the day quite nicely in the morning. I rested for a few moments and decided to take a bath before getting to many tasks I needed to do. Though after the bath, relaxed bodily yet stressed mentally, I returned to resting. I was highly annoyed and agitated in thought though my body was resting, nearly sleeping. I slept lightly for a couple hours. Upon gently waking, I did not feel like moving, as though I was very depressed. I was very agitated in not wanting to suffer nor participate in any suffering. Slowly, as my thinking went onto more tangible aspects of life (like wanting to eat and needing to do work), I sat up at the edge of my bed.

I wasn’t about to do anything, feeling miserable, I wanted to resolve the suffering situation I was in. I started writing in my journal. I was writing about how conflicted and delusional thinking is and that I continue maintaining such thinking.

I researched a little on the internet after writing a question with a lot of emotion: Why am I not released from my suffering like before in my life? I read some of thework.com and did some of the work I am not unwilling to do anymore.

I continued to write, but a little more focused. I quote my journal here.

I am very annoyed by all the contradictory thinking delusion that causes suffering in this world/for humans. This “prevents” me from feeling peace, because I see the existence of it (the delusion and the suffering). Thusly, I do not know what to do since suffering appears to exist beyond my natural existence/original nature. Even as delusion in the conscious brainwashing and habitual karma of humanity, not Jesus, Buddha, nor any heros change the fact that the delusion persists like a plague! Ironically, humans survive even with such stress and self-inflicted pain! So, then, how can I be free of suffering in my own life as I know most other humans suffer greater duress and even unconsciously to the point of causing greater suffering? I don’t know how to live a life free of suffering (because I know the cause–ignorant desire for things to be other t h a n t h e y a r e!)

There it was/is! The extra spaces between the letters meant I was getting it! I smiled and realized the illogical, contradictory thinking feedback that was happening in my brain that caused the annoyance, frustration, and suffering. The belief I held so strongly to was debunked through simple logic. NO WONDER! How could our mind, brain, body, energy be flowing peacefully with such inconsistency and hypocrisy! How can we live well with all life if our minds are messed up with contradictory beliefs and untruthful thoughts. This is a truly wonderful moment of realization for me.

I nearly immediately calmed down and started doing the work I needed to do. After I did my work for a couple hours, I decided to write this post. I am happy to offer this to you as plainly as I have.

knowing myself

Knowing myself in the Way things actually are as well as the conditioned aspects of my particular karmically conditioned self is what I have been doing, but now see a little more clearly as an endeavor of necessity in transforming the quality of my state of being and “ending” a chapter of my practice of journalling so frequently. The PURPOSE of my journalling has been to know myself. NOW, I seek to know myself, my karmically conditioned ego self, with a greater confidence in the actuality of SEEing with and abiding in awareness presence of all that is as such. This is the Zen and Taoist quality of nondual being and allowing-will. This is a presence I have known and practiced, yet lost to the suffering of sickness and struggle. It took me a long time and much practice to “get there.” I am determined to know my conditioned self much more thoroughly so as to abide in present truth with myself as I am. The healing I am doing is self-love and acceptance of me as I am, nondualistically, conditioned and unconditioned in living presence.

So, now, discipline is the effort of discontinuing the old, habitual self-hating and separating in both thought and action. Knowing my conditioned self is the effort in thoroughly understanding this conditioned self that I am dealing with as I let go of it’s idosyncracies. I intend to map out my ego self in the form of an authentic autobiography and my process of awakening. Very much like a quiet Tao master, I am not so much interested in becoming a best-selling author or even creating a new technique for awakened self-mastery. In my experience, which I understand is conditioned by a lot of self-marginalization and social separation, awakening is the discovery of the whole of our humanness in an ever-present awareness of our true original nature or essential existence.

This is my journey. I have been writing authentically for a long time now in my journals, this blog, and elsewhere too. Now it is time to take the next serious step of practice that seems apparent for me to do. This is a creative allowing and a willful mindful doing of my practice journey. I am quite happy to do this. It is an open door toward knowing myself AND awakening to the calm abiding peace and happiness of presence.

Thank you for any and all supportive remote intentions you may send my way. Healing and peace for you as well in your journey.