I don’t know. I don’t feel like I can explore living this life. I have a pain in my body, I have confusion regarding what to do, I have a habit of depressing myself, I have no significant other, I have no mentor who can actually help me in determining my life direction (nor can I find that mentor within myself). I’m struggling greatly with the current conditions and situations of my relative life.
Cheri Huber talks about the mentor within ourselves, though I just can’t seem to find this sort of entity, voice, info-stream–even though I’ve blogged and written from this peculiar source. I may still be at a disbelieving stage of human existence, rather than a recreational stage. Clearing the disorienting and confusing conditional information and views that I’ve accumulated seems to be more important than taking any imprecise action of creation. I wish I could detach, disidentify, disbelieve, and clarify more thoroughly and quickly, but I am so confused that I have no sense of what kind of a life I am able to live and create. I no longer understand what a person is, because I believe in actual non-separation, impermanence, and emptiness. Life does appear meaningless and unsubstantiated, particularly as humans have taken on the reigns of control for so many millenia. Well, the spaciousness and freedom of expansive consciousness has seemingly been depleted. I know not an avenue of living that seems harmonious with actual natural existence.
