letting go is compassion

I’ve been sharing my struggles with life with a few people lately. I needed the input, because I wasn’t getting “far enough” and through my issues. (Two of my core issues)

Here are a couple quotes from my journal after a discussion with my brother who made time for me to talk over the weekend. “Let go, not of the loving and the authentic awareness connection in openness, BUT of the issue, the knowing, the wanting other than what is. Return to tending, being with, and resting in presence.” “The seeing that my issue of lamenting non-authentic connection with “loved ones” is causing suffering for me and for others and causing non-connection with current loved ones is revelatory.”

Then, after thinking and understanding these things, some calm relflection allowed me to let go and realize that letting go in awareness is compassionate action. And, it was clear, and still is rather clear that this letting go IS compassion. Awareness is the truth of our being in existence, which is non-egotistic and non-dualistic and non-thinking. The simplicity of this calm and simple truth is so often unknown and unexperienced because we are not letting go of our “egocentric karmic conditioning,” as Cheri Huber puts it. And then it is also clear that there is nothing to gain when we let go. This isn’t about health or peace, this is about seeing that we are creating our own suffering and we can realize it’s cessation through the compassionate activity of letting go of the madness of all of it–ego, conditioning, thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, habits, consciousness, desires, avoidances, beliefs, ideas, et cetera. This is where Krishnamurti is so helpful in reiterating over and over that “the seeing is the doing.” When we see that we are causing our own suffering by not letting go, then letting go is compassionate activity.

Gratitude to all wise teachers, aware friends, and those who don’t quite understand, because learning abounds if we are open to the way things are.

learning about purpose

Today is the first day of a distance learning class that I am taking: Living on Purpose via the ToDo Institute. This should help me grow in understanding MY purpose versus my usual perspective of eliminating personal viewpoints and goal-building. I guess I would say of myself that I have been reeking of zen in my thinking and talking about the Way, rather than living life in this moment without fabricated purpose. Oh, I do my best, but it seems much more like hypocrisy to me than equanimous fulfillment. Thus, I am on my way to continue learning about purpose.

a good day

It has been a while since I had a good day, as far as my thoughts and feelings go. Today I awoke somewhat well and early to do some timely needed work on a project. After going to the local cafe, drinking a little coffee, writing a little in my journal, and reading a short chapter in a book, I got to work. The work wasn’t easy, but wasn’t hard either. I didn’t get overwhelmed or anxious, maybe because I knew I had to get the work done today. I also washed the stacked up dishes and cleaned some of the kitchen. Now, I am reflecting on my good day.

However, for the life of me, I don’t know why today was a good day. I had enough energy and mindfulness to respond to life occurrences. I have been having some good experiences around my commitment to “A Year to Live” practice, a book by Stephen Levine, at the start of 2007. Immediately, I have been able to concentrate more energy and mindfulness on my life. I am also continuing to mediate each day since my “it takes time” post and experiencing a gradual increase of awareness. It appears consistent, active meditation practice contributes to my ability to think and perceive and change towards having a good day. I am beginning to see how my meditation practice can center my mind and state of being.

it takes time

Life changes take time. There’s an ebb and flow quality to life along the path of healing and awakening. Occasionally, I can see how my honest intention to change in positive ways has slowly but surely nudged me along toward beneficial thoughts, feelings, and actions. In this vein, I can see how the discipline of daily meditation practice may substantially help me. I simply haven’t committed myself to doing such disciplined practice. May I change now and simply committ? I want to say yes, but I’m afraid. Though, I know meditation practice will likely help me be compassionate to myself as I’m afraid and unsure and confused. I will committ to daily meditation practice.

“… Turn around the light to shine within, then just return. The vast inconceivable source can’t be faced or turned away from. Meet the ancestral teachers, be familiar with their instruction, bind the grasses to build a hut and don’t give up. Let go of hundreds of years and relax completely. Open your hands and walk, innocent. Thousands of words, myriad interpretations are only to free you from obstructions. If you want to know the undying person in the hut, don’t separate from this skin bag here and now.”

about the last third of “Song of the Grass-Roof Hermitage” by Shitou Xiqian

in a state of being

I am rather clearly a Type 4 (the Individualist/Romantic/Artist) within the Enneagram.

Basically, I feel like I am in the dark. I am generally, at least, mildly depressed. I can’t seem to shake this miserable state of lethargy. Nevertheless, I suppose I have been somewhat proactive. I have begun eating eggs and meat to build blood and increase my natural intake of protein and B vitamins. I know I am eating more dark green vegetables for folic acid and iron to build blood too. I’ve been trying to limit my consumption of copper rich foods and add zinc foods to my diet. I have been doing a little more cooking and cleaning. I continue to take Chi Gong on a weekly basis. I volunteer at a coop cafe. I am part of a Leadership Coop with an emerging church. I am going on a Zen retreat this weekend. I am scheduling some butoh dancing in the coming months. While it is probably the most difficult thing for me to do, I am doing a little more freelance design work too. All good signs, but I still feel physically and emotionally crappy and can’t usually wake up before 10am. My thoughts are all over the place and my attempts to ground myself with meditation, as I’ve been able to do before, seem futile most times because I get tired and irritable. I don’t know what to do, and yet I am doing what I can, when I can. I keep trying to give myself compassion and acceptance in this state of being, but that is so challenging too.

The things that make me happy, which I can see will be good for me to clarify here, are my friends and family. My fiancee is accepting, affirming, and loving. My brother, red, chooses to hang out with me and include me in his and his family’s life. My best friend continues to call me up to talk and bears my current lackluster enthusiasm for chatter. And, my pastor friend seems to enjoy my presence, contribution, and converstation too.

Not much else seems to move me. Everything else is seems so boring and irrelevant. I am confused, for sure. I can’t seem to gain mental clarity to assist me with living well. I mean, I know life is good and beautiful, but I just can’t feel or sense it for myself right now. Neither philosophy, spirituality, journaling, practice, sleep, nor eating seems to clear up my state of being.

Heaviness

When my prevailling sensation is heaviness, I think I should already know by now that I’m in trouble, though I don’t normally recognise it. It’s a downtrend into the depths of negativity, self-deprecation, non-acceptance, and self-judgement. This is a horrible habit and one that seems to have been developed very early in my life. It seems to be an extension of the criticism and control that my parents enforced on me and my siblings. They also united their control with the concept of the Catholic Christian God. To this day, I resent what they have done, which shows me that I have much more healing to do.

I’ve come a long way and I am proud of my efforts in the process of healing and recovery from deep depression (in college in the early nineties). I’m nearly 34 years old and still fall into the trap of heaviness, negativity, and rigidity. I usually think my way out of it—which takes a great deal of time and attention. I write in my journal and contemplate my situation, experience, thoughts, emotions, intentions, desires, and relationships. I tend to get philosophical and read a lot of psychological and religious material to bump or nudge me me out of the stupor of suffering. And, it’s hard stuff; which makes me realize how much more healing I need to do. I need to be loving and compassionate with myself. I need to find authentic happiness and allow it to resonate in my being through all of my actions.