attitude

How did I get this difficult attitude that is so harshly perfectionistic and critical of my own self? I know how, it was my defense mechanism in dealing with the harsh criticism and judgement that my father applied in his conditional parenting. I was smart, did quite well in school (and got some praise for that activity), and did what I was told to do (or else punishment). I’ve spent countless time relearning about my past and life such that I could arrive at and understand the answer to this question of how my ego conditioned self functions.

But the question for me nowadays is how do I move onward from the old habits that keep me in fearful avoidance of assumed and projected disapproval and punishment? Now that I am softer and more open to the subtleties of life, how do I flow with the energies and live fully, rather than resist, stress, depress, and struggle trying to make it through each torturous day of monotony?

I need an essential healthy attitude adjustment. I do not need a conditional repositioning of views and beliefs such that I can be what others may think is successful. That’s what I’ve been doing most of my life, trying to appease others’ expectations and act well, which drains me of all my good natural positive energy. I am watching this occur each evening I come home after working a job I just barely like (I consider myself lucky and am very grateful for this job at this time in my life, which isn’t an essentially good attitude). The FACT that my energy is so very drained each and every day is a massive warning.

Very deeply I actually, and even somewhat easily now, see the inherent essential goodness of all being. Of course, though, I like to call this The Great Emptiness of the Way, along with Zen Buddhists and Taoists. But each day, I get highly mired in the day-to-day muck of conditional existence. HAH! There! That is my attitude I must change if I am going to rest in deep presence and move from great emptiness in my life. I aspire to live this way more than anything else at all. I see this is my calling to live this way, though it’s manifestation and expression I do not know. I NEED to find the effortless effort of harmonizing with the Great Emptiness and Goodness of the Way things always and already are. My attitude (collection of beliefs, views, and thinking) needs to practically support harmony, not conditional living strategies that I learned in trying to appease parents, teachers, friends, etc.

TOWARDS THIS, I shall read a book I haven’t completely read yet. I will start the book over from the beginning. I acquired Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche’s first book, “Turning the Mind into an Ally” when I started meditating in 2003. As he is quoted on the back cover, “We can create an alliance that allows us to actually use our mind, rather than be used by it. This is a practice anyone can do.”

In my current practice of seeing myself as clearly as possible in order to move beyond the hard conditioned egotistic karmic aspect of my life, I am ready to embrace a thorough attitude adjustment that is harmonious with the Great Allowing Presence of the Way. Since I have experienced a great awakening in this vein at another time of my life (2005-6), I am already very aware that this can be the way in which I live my life. I am hungry for harmonious goodness and a warmly open attitude towards everything.

healing energy and presence

How do I choose to commit to a new vocational direction in life with all my ignorance and unassuredness in making a good and right decision? It sure is a risk, to change, to switch careers, to listen to a deeper sense of my being in choosing the work that I would appreciate doing each day. I suppose it is not as big of a risk as I took when I was younger and knew even less about myself and the world when I decided on my current work field. Seems true enough. Now I feel a bit more confident. Nice.

I want to become a “healer.” I think I have a lot to offer others, if they want my assistance in their movement in change. This is a reciprocal function as well. By helping others, I will be helping myself too. I need the support as much as you do, and this is nearly always true for us humans. I think that embarking on a vocational path of helping others heal, I too will continue to heal.

This is a large step of opening for me: from wounded to healer. But it is in deeply knowing the woundedness that I am rising with self knowledge into loving compassion. Awareness is the key for healing into being harmoniously present. A process of unconditioning and re-learning trust of our natural being is in staying true to the Way things are. How can deep irrevocable healing take place in any other way? We certainly cannot dupe ourselves into healing! That’s simply swapping out one illusion with another, and then, another after that. That’s conditioned existence, not living with and accepting emptiness.

Today, the day of the new moon, an irrevocable synergistic opportunity of possibility in harmonizing myself with the Way, I want to commit to my new path in being “healing energy and presence.” This is my consciously aware recognition that I have been headed in this direction for a long time and that I am very deeply interested in helping others who may ask me to assist them in healing changes.

I am currently particularly attracted to Rolfing, Feldenkrais, and Zentherapy. I am nearing the final (tenth) session with my friend who is a Rolfer. This is influencing me, as I learn the structural aspects of the body. I have received a small amount of Feldenkrais instruction which helps me to understand the function of the body. Zen practice also inflences me greatly in re-directing myself in the Way. I practice Qi Gong and Butoh too – healing movement modalities. I am also influenced by Traditional Chinese Medicine in receipt of acupuncture, herbs and Taoist wisdom. In these ways, I have been moving into a general field of movement, awareness, mind/body practices, and healing. I do not know what else to say at this time other than list these wonderful influences and continue to be grateful for their presence in my life.

realistic apology

My ego conditioned mind self really liked you. I wanted to be with you for this lifetime, growing in intimacy and togetherness. I failed to decipher the difference between the ego-self and the very boundless soulful energetic Self. This led to a relapse into depression, getting caught up deeply in my own egotistic  issues and merging with the grandiose energy and awareness that cannot be claimed as ego nor harnessed for ego’s masked use. Actually, it/we can, but it’s not the same as freely flowing beyond suffering with the Way we are and everything is. We are not conditioned minds, yet that’s exactly how the mind thinks: linearly. We are bounded by our conditioned minds and bodily forms, though this itself is not the cause of suffering as our conditioned minds and aching bodies may try to trick us into believing. Our cause of suffering is wanting things to be other than it is due to the ignorance of our conditioned minds and restricted bodies. With awareness and paying attention in the normal functioning of both mind and body, awakening occurs naturally.

So, I am sorry I got so confused. It’s such an ordinary thing, because we are typically living ordinary lives in such conditioned reality. I want you. I want intimacy. I want deeper loving. I was(and still am) willing to practice with my conditioning and deficient body, but you weren’t(and still aren’t). I can’t continue using that fact against myself. I have apologized profusely for my ignorance and the troubles that I have caused. I am grateful beyond measure for all that I have experienced with you. Even though I was attached to “us” and “you,” I know, not in a conditioned way, that I love you. If I distorted this love, then I know my conditioned mind would be in control. NO.

This love experience will continue to grow within me like the roots of a tree, filling me up with awareness of life and the beauty of being. I am grounded in a profound understanding that awareness itself is the key that unlocks the conditioning of the mind and restrictions of the body. I pray for the strength to commit to this evolutionary path of awakening and to offer this to all who ask of me. I cannot force anyone to embrace awareness as I do, for this is a relative truth that harmonizes within my specific being with the energy of absolute universal existence.

seeing the resistance

I met the resistance in my father again today, just a few moments ago. He called to say that he doesn’t want to travel in the very cold temperatures tonight to drive me home from my second scheduled Rolfing Session. He supplied me with plenty of excuses, though I did my best to remain silent on the phone here at work. He said I should cancel my appointment. I then remarked that I want to go the Rolfing Session and I can find a way to get home somehow. He was immediately relieved and thanked me.

I can see I too have done this similar excuse-filled behavior with friends, girlfriends, and family. It’s very strange not only for me, but very much for the other individual who is asking something of me. We both are at odds because I make it known and stick to my excuses for NOT DOING what the other wants. Usually, this situation lingers like stinky cheese in the minds of those who I have disappointed. Sometimes the excuse is justified and reasonable, but even when it is, it is still an excuse NOT TO DO because I DO NOT WANT TO. It still stinks. How immature am I to want to do what I want over what others ask of me? For me, I can see it is typically selfish laziness that causes me to generate a mindstream of pseudo-reasonable excuses for inaction.

Seeing and experiencing the resistance within my father to do as I have asked of him, I realize the frustration that is caused as a result. The frustration arises from WANTING to NOT DO something and is passed on through excusing one’s self from what has been asked. This is essentially breaking one’s word, even if it is implied in the fact that we are friends and family of the one’s who ask something of us.

In this moment, I apologize to those I have frustrated due to my selfish laziness in wanting not to do what you have asked of me. In most situations, I could have left my selfish desire behind and answered your call for my assistance in your life. I see in this moment of experiencing my father’s pattern inaction where my pattern of inaction has originated, and, that I may consciously be able to circumvent the learned conditioned habit towards “being with” you.

peace & harmony

learning about purpose

Today is the first day of a distance learning class that I am taking: Living on Purpose via the ToDo Institute. This should help me grow in understanding MY purpose versus my usual perspective of eliminating personal viewpoints and goal-building. I guess I would say of myself that I have been reeking of zen in my thinking and talking about the Way, rather than living life in this moment without fabricated purpose. Oh, I do my best, but it seems much more like hypocrisy to me than equanimous fulfillment. Thus, I am on my way to continue learning about purpose.

exhaustion into peace

It is exhausting to live by conditions. If my thoughts are concerned with the conditions of being, and most importantly, unaware of the boundlessness of support in being, I get wrapped up in the messy, complicated imperfectness of everything. This is a viewpoint I succumb to in meeting the conditions of cultural responsibility and duty. All sorts of stress is loaded onto my existence causing me to suffer more because I do not want things to be this miserable. Ahh, the ironic benefit of depression and stress is that we do experience our personal suffering in mind, body and spirit. This is exhausting, though it is also our way to learn that we must change our ways of thinking, moving, and consciousness. Everyone is immersed in this process of balance, though the diversity of experiences clouds some of our ability to love equanimously as all humans enter and exit this process of living change.

May all humans realize the strength of the absolute universality of being that threads us together in the diversity of form and conditions. May we experience this peaceful connection from the grace of awareness and choose to grow our loving clarity in daily living practice. Harmony & Gratitude.

Remember: Conditions are not the Self, nor loving compassion. Conditions are egotistic in nature, we cling and eschew conditions constantly from an egotistic view. Awareness and acceptance help ourSelves transcend our habitually ego-identified minds.

 

compassionate self-discipline

I’m doing something that is serious and seriously necessary for me to do. My suffering in life brings me to this kind of action. Egocentric mind/body conditioning is going to have to make way for awareness, compassion, love, and healing. I am currently in Day 10 of committing to 30 days of Zen meditation, Qi Gong, chanting Faith in Mind sutra, reviewing the Four Noble Truths, contemplation with “Making a Change for Good” book by Cheri Huber, journaling, working on a process oriented art piece, no radio, no TV, no typical music, no news, no eating out or cafes, no typical habitual coping escapes, doing work, cooking, limiting caffeine/sugar/meat, cleaning, caring for myself and the cats, taking herbs and supplements, and maintaining as much attention and awareness as possible.

The first day was full of not knowing what to do. By the third day, that was mostly gone. The whole first week was good and I was quite happy practicing. But, then, I struggled with practicing and fell into depressing myself and feeling really bad, even while working through the feelings and journaling. I realized within one day that I had to recommit and make certain I am choosing this path of awakening. Daily, now, I need to remember that the difficulty I am committing to and experiencing in practicing is compassionate self-discipline, not isolation or hardship for no reason. This is a good step into taking my practice ever more seriously and realistically.

Each day, not in a manipulated or forced way, I must continue to choose to end suffering and follow through with the conscious awareness of compassionate self-discipline. 30 days is not long in comparison to all the days I’ve suffered from delusion, ignorance, and wanting life to be other that it is. I must return to my life everyday, simply and with conscious awareness so that I discontinue ego/self identification with thoughts, emotions, sensations, illusions, and cravings. This is a life changing experience I am putting myself through, because I need to for myself and others. I truly don’t want to dwell in selfish delusion because it causes too much harm. Escaping life is not beneficial, even if it tastes or feels good for a moment. Then, it’s gone too. Impermanence and change are becoming beneficial components of life. Nonseparation and moderation are becoming satisfactory aspects of experience. With diligence and expanded capacity to live with reality as it is, rather than the way I want it to be, I am healing. This is daily practice, beyond 30 days, beyond the New Year’s resolutions, beyond a wish for things to be better. This is now, the quality of life, and not just mine. With practice, over time, joy may develop naturally as I realize aspects of reality my mind can’t imagine yet. Small mind is becoming my functional friend in active living practice. Thank you, mind. Thank you, body. Compassionately, lets continue forth. Gently, relax, there’s no other moment than now.