seeing into my core issue

I could use a little writing about my core issue. It’s after midnight, yet I have had an interesting evening of discussions and observing myself as well as others. I talked with my best friend about my persistent loneliness and sense of disconnectedness from others. Fabulously, I recognized that my suffering in loneliness and disconnectedness is not entirely habit and attachment, but an incomplete healing of my own relationship with my father. I say “my own relationship” because this is about how I view and experienced my father growing up and how I was conditioned through my childhood. Obviously a grand mix of experiences, it is fascinating to see and know that nearly all of the break-ups I’ve had in my life seem to be filtered through the deeper suffering of a lack of connection and love with my father. I say “lack” because that is how I perceived it as a youth and habitually still do. This is actually the root of my core issue number one. My issue isn’t reducible to a concise statement that the relationship with my father was lacking in love, but that I still need, want, desire, crave a profoundly authentic deep relationship with a significant other. Do you see how this is coming together past into future, all merging into desire for that which is not? Hmmm, the root of all suffering! Anyways, this is for me to see and free myself from the conditioning and causes of that conditioning. There really wasn’t a way out of it. But now, with conscious attention and seeing with compassion into my conditioning and root causes of suffering, I may let go very intelligently. I’m certainly not running away, and I am not ignoring my issues. This true letting go is compassion, releasing my egocentric karmic conditioning through the seeing of how it causes suffering in my specific life. Interestingly though, this is a large open window into the suffering of all people. Tonight, in my conversations with people, it seemed quite clear that lack of connection kept people suffering and moving to relieve that suffering. But if we can be with ourselves as we suffer, really getting to see our own suffering and the causes of it, and the potential for ending the suffering, then our issue dissolves from the deep seeing into the True nature of our being. (Yes, I am loosely describing 3 of the 4 noble truths.)

This has been a late night writing session, so please forgive my less than stellar structure and flow. Gratitude.

Reference: “two core issues” – Core Issue One

letting go is compassion

I’ve been sharing my struggles with life with a few people lately. I needed the input, because I wasn’t getting “far enough” and through my issues. (Two of my core issues)

Here are a couple quotes from my journal after a discussion with my brother who made time for me to talk over the weekend. “Let go, not of the loving and the authentic awareness connection in openness, BUT of the issue, the knowing, the wanting other than what is. Return to tending, being with, and resting in presence.” “The seeing that my issue of lamenting non-authentic connection with “loved ones” is causing suffering for me and for others and causing non-connection with current loved ones is revelatory.”

Then, after thinking and understanding these things, some calm relflection allowed me to let go and realize that letting go in awareness is compassionate action. And, it was clear, and still is rather clear that this letting go IS compassion. Awareness is the truth of our being in existence, which is non-egotistic and non-dualistic and non-thinking. The simplicity of this calm and simple truth is so often unknown and unexperienced because we are not letting go of our “egocentric karmic conditioning,” as Cheri Huber puts it. And then it is also clear that there is nothing to gain when we let go. This isn’t about health or peace, this is about seeing that we are creating our own suffering and we can realize it’s cessation through the compassionate activity of letting go of the madness of all of it–ego, conditioning, thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, habits, consciousness, desires, avoidances, beliefs, ideas, et cetera. This is where Krishnamurti is so helpful in reiterating over and over that “the seeing is the doing.” When we see that we are causing our own suffering by not letting go, then letting go is compassionate activity.

Gratitude to all wise teachers, aware friends, and those who don’t quite understand, because learning abounds if we are open to the way things are.

realistic apology

My ego conditioned mind self really liked you. I wanted to be with you for this lifetime, growing in intimacy and togetherness. I failed to decipher the difference between the ego-self and the very boundless soulful energetic Self. This led to a relapse into depression, getting caught up deeply in my own egotistic  issues and merging with the grandiose energy and awareness that cannot be claimed as ego nor harnessed for ego’s masked use. Actually, it/we can, but it’s not the same as freely flowing beyond suffering with the Way we are and everything is. We are not conditioned minds, yet that’s exactly how the mind thinks: linearly. We are bounded by our conditioned minds and bodily forms, though this itself is not the cause of suffering as our conditioned minds and aching bodies may try to trick us into believing. Our cause of suffering is wanting things to be other than it is due to the ignorance of our conditioned minds and restricted bodies. With awareness and paying attention in the normal functioning of both mind and body, awakening occurs naturally.

So, I am sorry I got so confused. It’s such an ordinary thing, because we are typically living ordinary lives in such conditioned reality. I want you. I want intimacy. I want deeper loving. I was(and still am) willing to practice with my conditioning and deficient body, but you weren’t(and still aren’t). I can’t continue using that fact against myself. I have apologized profusely for my ignorance and the troubles that I have caused. I am grateful beyond measure for all that I have experienced with you. Even though I was attached to “us” and “you,” I know, not in a conditioned way, that I love you. If I distorted this love, then I know my conditioned mind would be in control. NO.

This love experience will continue to grow within me like the roots of a tree, filling me up with awareness of life and the beauty of being. I am grounded in a profound understanding that awareness itself is the key that unlocks the conditioning of the mind and restrictions of the body. I pray for the strength to commit to this evolutionary path of awakening and to offer this to all who ask of me. I cannot force anyone to embrace awareness as I do, for this is a relative truth that harmonizes within my specific being with the energy of absolute universal existence.

doing my best is choosing thusness

Here, now, being with and encouraging myself authentically as rising conscious energy, I offer myself and the world these reflections on awakening and becoming into the fullness of being here and now in this.

(Sentence reads in a redundant manner, though it is simply cycling through being and conditioning.)

accept and practice with what this is now as it is,

be caring and sensitive of yourself and the environment (all form),

be especially mindful of your/others’ deepest needs,

all of the conditional views and attachments will pass as you surrender to flow with the current of conscious awareness deep within all being;

this is equanimous presence, big buddha mind, co-creative conscious awareness, inner primary purpose, contingent interdependent co-arising of being.

inherent goodness

Understanding thorough non-dualistic emptiness is not a particularly useful concept for me at this moment. Simply, with some realistic empathetic compassion for my suffering caused by my own conditioned ego habits in thought and action, I must begin to believe in my inherent goodness. My habit of depression appears rooted in dismissing my true worthiness, my original nature, my completeness in being real, the fullness of my existence, my being a part of inseparable nature of life and reality.

Ego mind thinking rambles on and on. This part of my mind always seems to take me over and force me into passivity in life. I couldn’t hug my mom this morning, even though she made the atypical loving effort to hug me. I couldn’t speak to friends at a party, even though they were kind enough to greet me. I couldn’t thank my significant other, even though she did find ways in support of me. I gave in, I caved in. I victimized myself through believing my fears, negative thinking, self-doubt, guilt, confusion, and unworthiness of being alive. I denied my true self in being my guide.

I think it is important, particularly when depression gets so horrendously self mutilating, to try to figure out why. This is no easy task, because I’ve seemingly necessarily had to spend 15 years writing in journals, reading countless pertinent spiritual & self-help books, and making searching for answers one of my highest priorities in life. Beyond money, time, energy, people, self, work, I’ve spent my time trying to figure out and understand what is going on and why this is so with me. It’s been my life’s primary effort, again, seemingly necessarily so. Hence, in self-discovering and self-revealing, a mere two months ago, that I have been suffering from self-victimization and identification with the aggressor in protection of my survival founded on the traumatic experience of wordless fear of near-death in infancy which results in passive-aggressive co-dependent forms of relating to others, my life has changed.

My fiancee abandoned me and cancelled our wedding plans as well as our communication. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. I suppose she cannot handle the truth very well either. I understand. It has taken me so very long with so very much effort to begin to handle, comprehend, and realize this truth for myself. I am farily certain she won’t be reading this blog, but I wish she would/could. I am honestly angry at her action of abandonment, but I certainly know how very hard it must be for her to deal with my depressed conditioned egocentric being, because it was very hard for me to bear the experience of depressing myself so relentlessly.

I didn’t believe I was good enough, not for anything or anyone, nor for God, as I thought he forsaked and denied me too. But all of this negativity is my own, born, only in part, by the intrinsic suffering and pain of life itself. As a child I was unable to discern, nor understand. I learned to follow my parent’s, teacher’s, priest’s, friend’s, role model’s ideas, expectations, projections, and ways of seeing. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and yet I also had a strangely envigorating sensation of and firmly faithful connection with God’s absolute and infinite permeation throughout existence. As a child, this protected me from bad dreams and assisted me in preserving some sanity in day-to-day, week-to-week confusion of life and seeing hypocrisy and inconsistency everywhere I seemed to look. “Why is life so screwed up?,” I used to think continuously. Now I realize I learned that question from my critical and worry minded parents, father and mother respectively.

So here I am now, in the process of healing in depression recovery. As difficult as it is, it is also comforting. As I’ve mentioned to quite a number of people lately, I feel supported from <em>every</em> dimension of my life right now. From my ex-fiancee to my parents, from plants to energy, I am clearly supported by the inseparably continuous fabric of reality. Without a deep gratitude and awareness of this absolute support, I’d likely not even be writing any of this realization. I am eternally grateful.

Goodness…

compassionate self-discipline

I’m doing something that is serious and seriously necessary for me to do. My suffering in life brings me to this kind of action. Egocentric mind/body conditioning is going to have to make way for awareness, compassion, love, and healing. I am currently in Day 10 of committing to 30 days of Zen meditation, Qi Gong, chanting Faith in Mind sutra, reviewing the Four Noble Truths, contemplation with “Making a Change for Good” book by Cheri Huber, journaling, working on a process oriented art piece, no radio, no TV, no typical music, no news, no eating out or cafes, no typical habitual coping escapes, doing work, cooking, limiting caffeine/sugar/meat, cleaning, caring for myself and the cats, taking herbs and supplements, and maintaining as much attention and awareness as possible.

The first day was full of not knowing what to do. By the third day, that was mostly gone. The whole first week was good and I was quite happy practicing. But, then, I struggled with practicing and fell into depressing myself and feeling really bad, even while working through the feelings and journaling. I realized within one day that I had to recommit and make certain I am choosing this path of awakening. Daily, now, I need to remember that the difficulty I am committing to and experiencing in practicing is compassionate self-discipline, not isolation or hardship for no reason. This is a good step into taking my practice ever more seriously and realistically.

Each day, not in a manipulated or forced way, I must continue to choose to end suffering and follow through with the conscious awareness of compassionate self-discipline. 30 days is not long in comparison to all the days I’ve suffered from delusion, ignorance, and wanting life to be other that it is. I must return to my life everyday, simply and with conscious awareness so that I discontinue ego/self identification with thoughts, emotions, sensations, illusions, and cravings. This is a life changing experience I am putting myself through, because I need to for myself and others. I truly don’t want to dwell in selfish delusion because it causes too much harm. Escaping life is not beneficial, even if it tastes or feels good for a moment. Then, it’s gone too. Impermanence and change are becoming beneficial components of life. Nonseparation and moderation are becoming satisfactory aspects of experience. With diligence and expanded capacity to live with reality as it is, rather than the way I want it to be, I am healing. This is daily practice, beyond 30 days, beyond the New Year’s resolutions, beyond a wish for things to be better. This is now, the quality of life, and not just mine. With practice, over time, joy may develop naturally as I realize aspects of reality my mind can’t imagine yet. Small mind is becoming my functional friend in active living practice. Thank you, mind. Thank you, body. Compassionately, lets continue forth. Gently, relax, there’s no other moment than now.

post Birthday blues

Well, I had a good Birthday. But, I don’t care. I’m depressed, at least, that’s the label I am attaching to today. More accurately, I am depressing–sensations, feelings, thoughts, judgements, confusion, conditioning–my life. I’m identifying with this state of being. I’ve experienced this kind of being for such a darn large percentage of my life, thus I am comforted by this typical, seemingly manageable, but still miserable existence. Sometimes it is much worse, sometimes not so bad at all, though I am still depressing my life away. “I don’t know what to do,” I say so often. I suppose, due to all this depressing, I am confusing myself too. It feels a lot like a maze. I really don’t know which way to go, though it seems I must still keep on going this way and that way. I’m tired, almost bored, but more annoyed with having to go through this odd maze. I sort of feel that I am going in circles a bit too; here and there a turn leads me back in a direction I feel is familiar. Writing this isn’t helping either. I just feel like I am wasting time, I feel guilty for living this life, I wish I could really do better with my actions, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Now, I am reminded of a phrase by Ghandi, “Whatsoever you do will be insignificant, and it is very important that you do it.” But I don’t understand this, even though I could likely explain it conceptually. Everything feels empty, even my suffering, because I’m so used to it. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t care much either. I don’t want to lose the wonderful kinds of things in my life that I seem to take for granted, but I can’t seem to “be real” or “act authentically” either. I suppose my deep psychological definition for real and authentic is something like perfect or pure. Compassionate acceptance of me as I am would be nice, but then what? What am I to do next? It seems I am missing the point, the now, here, me living in this moment. Not the next step, but this step to just accept myself. I have a headache; I am hungry; I am a little tense in my neck and shoulders; I am thirsty; I am alive; I am identifying with my sensations; I am somewhat aware, but more annoyed and upset. Now what, now what, now what? Cheri Huber would probably say “now how?” But I don’t understand this either, even though I could likely explain this too. Hmmmm. Reflecting the mirrored light inward, I gaze, seeing nothing much at all. “The path leading to the unconditioned is mindfulness directed to body,” says Stephen Batchelor. I suppose I’ll go out for some dinner, due to being hungry, thirsty, and tense.

Thanks for all your insignificant action!

ADDENDA:
“Come to your senses. It is not the things of this world, be they chocolate or brown rice, that lead you astray. Losing your way comes from giving no mind to what is present while chasing after imaginary pleasures which are illusive and unobtainable. To wake up is to know what is already yours.” Edward Espe Brown

Not being present with what is, caught in my habits of depressing thinking, I suffer a lot. Change is part of reality, how will I change? My insurmountable mind, always measuring and trying, wanting and figuring, is not separate from my body, nor all of reality. Whew, still haven’t eaten.