Here i go again. I am beating myself up with an array of criticism and negativity. I cannot seem to think through any of it; i am fairly sure that it’s impossible. I need to give it up because it weighs me down, stresses me out, and taps my energy. Circumstances that occur in this conditioned world that I cannot deal with well cause me to pummel myself into trying to deal with it, but seeing that I am not. I am not dealing well with the demands of 21st century living and there is no avoiding it either. I must seemingly abuse myself with work, or lose the work, the money, the relationships, and the whole thing. It seems as though everything is on the line. I have lost one client this way. I was doing my work at my own break-neck pace (slowly, but surely and doing good work too) but being way past deadlines that the client needs is unacceptable for their situation. However, clearly, their situation is not my situation, even if it is interrelated. And this isn’t about upholding one’s word or not being professional, this is this way because of the suffering i experience which corrupts, confounds, and debilitates me. I’ve proven to myself i can battle myself to uphold my word and be professional. But now, i don’t want the battle anymore. I need to ease back when this battle seems to start. I don’t seem to win anything much. Even the “good” that appears to come from this warring is thoroughly stained by the self-sacrificing, unconscious, demoralization of forcing myself to do for others rather than take care of myself. THIS is a major root problem for me. Some might say “suck it up,” or “hard work is good for you,” but I don’t believe that anymore. It’s not true. I have done this year after year, within jobs and relationships, and have lost all of it over and over again, which seems to cause all the more suffering in the forms of loss, grief, and guilt. I haven’t taken care of myself. I need to change my ways of working. I take TOO MUCH ON for others, and often receive far less than it’s worth. But, too, I labor hard over what I do, beating myself up along the way of creating imperfect solutions and less than stellar work. I try too hard and get frustrated with the small details and the slowness of it all. It gets so heavy and I don’t want to do any more of it. I can’t live like this anymore. I get to the point where I don’t want to live at all, because I do not know a way out of this kind of struggle with human existence and relational being in this cultural worldliness. I fear there is no way out. Even my meditation practice seems to suggest that I am pretending if I think that some kind of perfect equilibrium may exist. Change is at core of the way things are, not some harmonic, blissful state of being with humans and nature. And, when I ride along with the work that I do, choosing to fail to see the contradiction in my action, the deep pit of suffering gurgles to remind me of it’s perpetually hungry ghosts that are ready to torment me. “Risk your livelihood for what you think is right,” or “coast along in further anguish in what is convoluted and stressful.” The problem here is that it is all worthless and meaningless. It is not a situation of choice, as it is an opportunity to rest in the presence of being and doing beyond personal commentary and evaluation. Ahh, but I am not a tireless robot, a machine of capable mind and body activity. I am a very lowly human, not great, not special, not ordinary, not anything but a living human being. I continue to feed off of a cultural paradigm as much as it’s food supply. I’m conditioned to live this way, and I am not so happy with it because I feel very abused by the seemingly concrete and oppressive conditionality of the way I am expected to be–on time, appropriate, suitable, smart, efficient, friendly, professional, etc. Honestly, I don’t believe all this stuff, because when I meditate, do qi gong and butoh, the thinking mind abates into rich sensorial aware presence where thought is secondary. But in the “real” world, the thought-time-space-ego-meaning structures are primary! WHY do i experience actuality and reality as an inverse relationship? Is this accurate and true? Krishnamurti and Zen monks seem to see this kind of a relationship too.
But this is where I typically stop in my tracks. What now? Back to the load of work? Onward with the sleep deprivation and stressing out my mind and body? Is it even possible for me to relax in doing this work? [Massive lightning just struck the earth a moment ago and took me by surprise. A lone lightning bolt of awakening!] Some rain follows. Ahh, another lightning flash makes the previous one less of a shock. I am already dulled by the plip & thap of rain hitting the urban ground. I don’t have anything left to lose. I don’t have anything of meaning anymore. It’s as though I have to maintain the meaning just to wake up in the morning and hurt myself all day long doing what I don’t care to do and for no particular reason. I have no one left in my life. Father, brother and ex-fiancee all gone. All I see now are token selfish gestures of “hi” and the same old conversations. That’s beyond boring, that’s ignorant samsara–on my part and theirs! I’ve lived a good portion of my life now, and I just don’t see any reason why any of this will actually change out of the ebb and flow of samsara. It’s a river egotistic life. How can I refuse ego without a war, and let go of cultural manifestations without isolation? How can I love myself in this milieu? How can I actually help anyone, as I struggle to the bone of my being? How can I be helped myself, by me, other, and nature? Why is my life filled with day-to-day struggle and difficulty in existing in this thusness of humanness?
I’m sorry, but I don’t know. And when I realize the nature of the way, some peace does flow within, but a glance at all that needs to be remembered, done, and practiced in work, social, and personal life–I gasp and want to go to sleep first, i don’t have the energy for it.
