I awoke this morning to a disturbing dream of my father and me arguing. To describe briefly, I was living at home, my childhood home with my parents. We were sitting down to eat a simple breakfast together. I was rushing around getting my stuff together to visit a new client. As we were eating, I introduced a strange grater made from bamboo to add a condiment to the food we were eating. I asked if anyone else wanted to use it. My dad said sure. I wondered if I should ask if he knows how to use it, but decided not to. My dad proceeded to cut his food with the utensil, at which point I exclaimed in order for him to discontiue his action. What ensued was an argument, the details of which I cannot remember well. The tone was not terribly harsh, though I felt very hurt as my father would not delve into deeper levels of talking and understanding in order to learn and bring forth mutual harmony in this difficult moment we were having. And, my highly emotional frustration grew in relation to deeply knowing that it is possible to bring relationship harmony into this situation, if we only both wanted to.
I feel I am at the point of isolation, due to the most intimate people in my life not wanting to bring harmony, communication, learning, and understanding into our relationships. This appears true not only with my father, but with a couple of my siblings, and even my ex-fiancee. Even though I too have gone through a period of my life where I ex-communicated someone I was dating, I do not understand why or how these very significant close people in my life continue to maintain their walls as if they are protected from something they fear. Do they fear learning, opening, changing, growing, harmony? No. They fear intimacy which erodes their beloved sense of ego-identification–whether they realize it or not. Thus, they close me out of their lives or parts of their lives. I’m left in my own awareness of the wall they are putting up in between us. Hence, suffering for both of us, though they believe it is beneficial for them to separate what is unseparable and live in maintained ignorance and dualistic thinking about this and that.
It doesn’t suffice for me that this exists as it does. This is suffering which doesn not need to exist, if we only just understood that healing and peace is possible in these relationships. I realize it, I continue practicing and nudging these people along, yet I seem to make very little progress in introducing non-dual awareness being with these people. I practice it myself to the best of my ability, but they don’t even seem to see the worthiness of my activity. I bring an interesting grater to the table, or concepts about the unseparated, impermanent, empty quality of reality, and what I receive is “get the fuck away from me,” stop talking about awareness,” or “I don’t want to work on us anymore.”
Herein lies my isolation. The very concepts that bring my conscious awareness to the reality of human existence appears to separate me from the people I love and want deep natural harmony with in this short lifetime. I do not know what to do next, for my words and actions appear to fail miserably to bring about deeper “being with.” Very sadly, these key people in my life with whom I desire an ever evolving closer relationship with, prefer to put up walls in front of me. Their ignorance and fear is causing me great frustration, even as my intention is deep harmonic resonance of being alive as we are. Ahh, but this active being requires conscious letting go, open sensitivity, willing flexibility, and intentional attention on being one with one another.
I don’t want to leave these key people in my life as they have walled me out of their lives! This doesn’t seem to be an egotistic desire, as much as an authentic sense of harmonizing with my own father, brother, and significant other. I suppose even uttering “my own …” is too egotistic, attached, and wanton. Actually it is very important for me to realize that I WANT something that their egos do not want; harmony. What do they want? Well, they’re focused on their own desires. My desire is to be very deeply present with people and nature in life. Why can’t the people who say they love me, love me too? I understand neither of us are perfect in this endeavor, but please don’t put up walls. Or, if you do still need to put up a wall, make it temporary and don’t shut me out so rigidly. I love you too and want flowers to grow and water to flow along the paths of our being together. If there is a wall, there will be no light nor movement. You will have stopped us from being one.
Now, I sit in solitude; quite sad, and slightly hopeful still. I know, without thinking, that harmony is the way of all being. Refreshingly, I may look to earth’s elements for solace in this journey where humans want no harmony as we do. Oneness of being is always present, empty, forever.
Your wall, and my walls too, exist when we cling to self/ego and do not faithfully trust in the greatness of the Way that is.
