on suffering

Tonight has been unusual and I feel very compelled to write about my experience here and now. I have already written in my handwritten journal during the experience. So, this blog post is reflection.

I walked home slowly and reflectively from the bus, returning from a typical day at work.

I was tired and annoyed about the build-up of stress throughout the day. I awoke to the day quite nicely in the morning. I rested for a few moments and decided to take a bath before getting to many tasks I needed to do. Though after the bath, relaxed bodily yet stressed mentally, I returned to resting. I was highly annoyed and agitated in thought though my body was resting, nearly sleeping. I slept lightly for a couple hours. Upon gently waking, I did not feel like moving, as though I was very depressed. I was very agitated in not wanting to suffer nor participate in any suffering. Slowly, as my thinking went onto more tangible aspects of life (like wanting to eat and needing to do work), I sat up at the edge of my bed.

I wasn’t about to do anything, feeling miserable, I wanted to resolve the suffering situation I was in. I started writing in my journal. I was writing about how conflicted and delusional thinking is and that I continue maintaining such thinking.

I researched a little on the internet after writing a question with a lot of emotion: Why am I not released from my suffering like before in my life? I read some of thework.com and did some of the work I am not unwilling to do anymore.

I continued to write, but a little more focused. I quote my journal here.

I am very annoyed by all the contradictory thinking delusion that causes suffering in this world/for humans. This “prevents” me from feeling peace, because I see the existence of it (the delusion and the suffering). Thusly, I do not know what to do since suffering appears to exist beyond my natural existence/original nature. Even as delusion in the conscious brainwashing and habitual karma of humanity, not Jesus, Buddha, nor any heros change the fact that the delusion persists like a plague! Ironically, humans survive even with such stress and self-inflicted pain! So, then, how can I be free of suffering in my own life as I know most other humans suffer greater duress and even unconsciously to the point of causing greater suffering? I don’t know how to live a life free of suffering (because I know the cause–ignorant desire for things to be other t h a n t h e y a r e!)

There it was/is! The extra spaces between the letters meant I was getting it! I smiled and realized the illogical, contradictory thinking feedback that was happening in my brain that caused the annoyance, frustration, and suffering. The belief I held so strongly to was debunked through simple logic. NO WONDER! How could our mind, brain, body, energy be flowing peacefully with such inconsistency and hypocrisy! How can we live well with all life if our minds are messed up with contradictory beliefs and untruthful thoughts. This is a truly wonderful moment of realization for me.

I nearly immediately calmed down and started doing the work I needed to do. After I did my work for a couple hours, I decided to write this post. I am happy to offer this to you as plainly as I have.

Finding Wisdom

I feel so confused and disoriented when I really want life to be other than it is.
SO LET GO OF WANTING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.

I feel lost and foresaken when I consider that those who “love” me argue against me and reject me.
SO DO NOT ARGUE, DO NOT TAKE THEM PERSONALLY, AND DEEPLY ACCEPT ALL AS THEY ARE.

How do I manage to enjoy this lonely life?
RECOMMIT TO BEING HEALING ENERGY AND PRESENCE WITHIN, AND EVENTUALLY WITH PRACTICE, WITHOUT. THIS ENERGY IS INFINITE TRUTH EMBEDDED IN THESE WORLDLY FORMS.

How do I let go of all the clinging to what I want and avoidance of what I don’t want?
LET GO OF YOUR SEPARATE SELF-BASED CONDITIONED IGNORANCE AND BE ILLUMINATED BY THE BEAUTIFUL INFINITE ENERGY OF TRUTH

ONLY IN AN INSTANT OF CLARITY, THIS MOMENT BECOMES BOUNDLESS.
THIS EXPERIENCE IS SIMPLE ENLIGHTENMENT.
THERE IS NOTHING TO GAIN, FOR THIS THUSNESS IS IMMEASURABLE.
WHY CONTINUE WITH THE CONSCIOUS STRUGGLE OF THINKING, PERCEIVING, AND FEELING AROUND IRONING OUT CONDITIONED REALITY? HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED WITH ENOUGH PAINFUL SUFFERING THAT SUCH UNDERSTANDING IS ENDLESSLY FUTILE?
LETTING GO MEANS DISCONTINUING, DETACHING, RELAXING, ALLOWING, ACCEPTING, AND PEACEFULLY ABIDING IN THIS SITUATION AND MOMENT, ALWAYS HERE AND NOW.

PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE, FOR SUFFERING MAY BE ENDED NOW. IF CONDITIONED DELUSION DISTORTS YOUR NATURAL BEING, THEN IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO THE TRUTH THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW WITHIN. AS SUCH, REALIZE GREAT JOY, HEALTH, PEACE, COMFORT, ENERGY, CALM, WISDOM, AND RETURN TO LIVING TRUTH IN NATURAL FORM NOW.

over, under, around; always just this

For the most part, as I am depressed, I lose my mind, body, spirit, energy, time, consciousness, awareness to my ego’s control. But, since my ego saved my life through perceived and real struggles and threats in a troublesome childhood experience by receding into depression, passivity and following the wills and wishes of others as well as possible, now, my ego is largely in control.

I’m feeling like I am having a mental breakdown now. I can’t handle all the pressure that my ego-centric karmic conditioning is putting onto me. It’s ruined my adult life, not saved it. I don’t really know what “Self” is anymore, or how to be other than my egotistically controlled small self which is really just killing me slowly.

Why is this so? WHY? Why do I live with a sense of pure empty worthless meaninglessness as my core understanding of self? I see nothingness, even beauty is empty, and thus all life too. My ego has certainly integrated Zen Buddhist concepts and psychologically philosophical cultural views to keep me, whatever me is, from happiness. I’m not worthy of anything. I should be dead, I should have died, but I am still living without purpose, reason, or meaning. Others don’t seem to connect with me either, nor I with them in any profoundly deep ways. All my relationships seem insignificantly superficial, and, yes, thusly, meaningless. Ego returns to thinking that the nature of reality is ambiguity and emptiness, so stop trying to make meaning out of nothing. I can’t make meaning, it’s all impermanent and shifting like all things in nature. Meaning is, well, silly.

Thus, I return to my most recently created mantra, “infinite being is being with.” No meaning, no trying, nothing can get in the way of being with as long as I am living. But, as the ego understands it, this may be it’s greatest strategy yet for keeping me from any amount of happiness in this lifetime. Since “being with” is effortlessness, purity, and the truth of reality, my ego has seemingly found a way to give up all conditionality and be thoroughly unhappy in this unseparated existence. All existence naturally depresses and overwhelms me in it’s magnitude. I cry, being with this crushing feeling. I cry, realizing that my fiancee left me. I cry, knowing my current career is unsatisfactory. I cry, viewing no deep authentic human connection in my life.

So, I am amidst the abyss of loneliness and emptiness. It seems not to matter that anyone else exists, because they can’t connect with me, or vice versa. Life has been deconstructed into the essentials of reality (ambiguity, creativity, contingency, change – impermanence, nonseparation, emptiness) whereas, like any bit of unconscious matter, I too exist here and now, hard and cold. It’s amazing blood and breath still flow through me. But that’s all there is, a material maze of coexistence, truly infinitely unknowable and nonmeaningful. It is what it is, that’s how it is.

Birthday Expectations – Busted

I’m thinking that it’s a birthday like this one I’ve just had that starts to get people to not like them, rather than the age itself.  I mean, hey, at least for a while, I’m embracing aging, nothing I can prevent, just live the best and healthiest that I can to enjoy the years that I have.  So, aging is not my concern here with my new grand 27 completed years on this little rock of a planet hurtling through dark space only happening to be lit by our beautiful and searing sun.

No, my thoughts are within unknown expectations.  It’s funny how leading up, I didn’t think I had any, but now realize I was full of them.  Expecting some cool surprise in the mailbox, some fun thoughts from somebody I love from the US.  It’s funny, I did get a couple greatings and I must say they really did make me smile and enjoy that moment.  But it’s funny, well maybe not.  Because I expected a few other folks, at least, to mention a happy day or something, ya know, nice and simple.  It’s funny how it didn’t happen.  Vague at best.  Out of family, I gotta thank Mom, Aunt Martha and Sarah & Ted for thinking of me.  It meant the world to me that they mentioned it.  Because now, I can officially say that I don’t like birthdays anymore.  I feel let down and that they really don’t matter more than keeping track of how many days or years we revolve around that spectacularly toasty sun of “ours”.

I guess we have to ask for greatings if we want them.  Have our own parties and make our own calls and seek them out ourselves, as if to say, I’m special, so please agree and help make me continue to believe that I am.

Happy Birthday to me.

a good day

It has been a while since I had a good day, as far as my thoughts and feelings go. Today I awoke somewhat well and early to do some timely needed work on a project. After going to the local cafe, drinking a little coffee, writing a little in my journal, and reading a short chapter in a book, I got to work. The work wasn’t easy, but wasn’t hard either. I didn’t get overwhelmed or anxious, maybe because I knew I had to get the work done today. I also washed the stacked up dishes and cleaned some of the kitchen. Now, I am reflecting on my good day.

However, for the life of me, I don’t know why today was a good day. I had enough energy and mindfulness to respond to life occurrences. I have been having some good experiences around my commitment to “A Year to Live” practice, a book by Stephen Levine, at the start of 2007. Immediately, I have been able to concentrate more energy and mindfulness on my life. I am also continuing to mediate each day since my “it takes time” post and experiencing a gradual increase of awareness. It appears consistent, active meditation practice contributes to my ability to think and perceive and change towards having a good day. I am beginning to see how my meditation practice can center my mind and state of being.

over and over, then something

Here’s a list of thoughts and questions I typically have churning through my head over and over again that cause me so much suffering. Sometimes I can disable some of them, but sometimes I can’t, in which case they disable me. I get swamped in emotional stress, I become unable to focus on doing anything, and of course, I wonder why and cry.

• I don’t know what I am doing.
• I don’t understand what to do.
• I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t know why it has to be this way.
• Why is my life such a struggle?
• Why do I not know what to do?
• What can I do to make enough money and be authentically and completely happy?
• Why does this body hurt?
• Why am I depressed and negative and critical and judgemental and skeptical and suspicious and fearful and limited and lethargic and tired?
• Why have others screwed up the world?
• How can I fix the world?
• Why do I resent money, power, & work and necessity of these things in life?
• Why can’t I figure out what I need to do each day?
• Why do I ruminate so much?
• What responsibilities do I have as a human being?
• Why does culture require so much of me?
• Why do I think that others assume and expect so much of me?
• I’ve got big father issues. Why doesn’t my father live up to this realization that my life came from his decision and action to birth and raise me? Why do I continue to look to him for guidance and acceptance?
• Why do I feel marginalized, sidelined, ostracized, and alone?
• Why can’t I simply enjoy the things that I want to enjoy?
• Why am I sabotaging my own effort and action in life?
• Why can’t I feel honest and free from guilt?
• Why does life always take 100% of my effort, only occassionally leaving me with energetic return?

Well, I have been necessarily searching the web in an intuitively open manner in search of something. I believe I found that I need to forgive. Honestly, I thought I had done this already, many years ago, but apparently, forgiveness is more of a continual practice of freeing myself and others from the painful anguish around being consciously and unconsciously alive. We all make mistakes and cause anguish, knowingly or unknowingly. It doesn’t even matter if an apology is made or if an action is totally unjustified. Forgiveness is about deep understanding and compassion for our state of existence as beings and our quality of being, living, and relating.

This is making sense to me that this should arise. I’ve been terribly upset about my father this whole year, without coming to any resolution (until now). I’ve been resenting him (and work and money and societal problems) while not understanding my own continuing pain and anger. This is a strange relief. I don’t automatically feel much better, but I can see that I am not holding onto the stress. It’s slowly evaporating because I am aware of it in a new and liberating way.

The 4 Noble Truths help me come to understand forgiveness in ways that I hadn’t likely previously considered. Stephen Batchelor wrote that the Buddha “taught a method (‘dharma practice‘) rather than another ‘-ism.’ The dharma is not something to believe in but something to do. The Buddha did not reveal an esoteric set of facts about reality, which we can choose to believe in or not. He challenged people to understand the nature of anguish, let go of its origins, realize its cessation, and bring into being a way of life.” So, this is where I am at right now, in the midst of living change, and something new.

You Are What You Eat

You know? This truly has more meaning to me as life goes on. I remember when I first heard it, I thought, “Oh yeah, like if you eat meat, you’re carnivorous; and if you eat veggies, you’re a vegetarian…” But this means so much more now.

I’ve been battling a nasty head cold and I’m doing it without any bought medications (with the exception of beverage vitamin C). This is quite a new trial for me. So, I looked into my copy of Healing with Whole Foods by Paul Pitchford and sought out some tips for dealing with the cold. So, we proactively got me some sleep and increased my vitamin C and had simple soups with basic greens. Rouge made an excellent simple soup with leek, shallots, celery, a little lemon, salmon, milk, and of course broth. It was perfect, light and green; which was an emphasis from the book. Fruits were encouraged; so in between my wakings I’d have rooibos or green teas and maybe a piece of fruit or orange juice and eventually a small bowl of soup.

I even tried a sweating technique to help erradicate the toxins from my body. I do believe it helped. I drank some hot chamomile tea, had some more in a hot bath and sweat and then tried to sweat some more in bed. That part didn’t go as well… it’s kinda cool here, but I certainly stayed warm!

So, it’s developing for me; “you are what you eat.” It’s becoming much more than just the simple phrase it once was. We really are what we eat. I’m so glad that Rouge and I are taking our extra efforts to have ecologically friendly foods whenever we can from eggs and milk to flour or museli. I do believe, more than ever before, that it really will and does have an impact in our bodies to have things ecological and organic. Thanks also to green for planting those seeds so long ago!