poem of being

more struggle
my mind is tightly wound up
and yet I cannot focus
thoughts swirl endlessly
without grounded sensibility or traceable cause
hmmmmm, <sigh>
stop averting this current state of being
relax and control nothing (Mu!*)
remember appropriate beneficial advice
forgive myself for not living up to my (and others’) grandiose expectations
slice through self-loathing, self-doubt, judgement, criticism, and limitation
on the path of healing

- – -

*

“You know Mu, the famous koan in Rinzai Zen [Master Joshu is asked if a cat has Buddha nature and he answers "Mu."] is always translated or stated in English as meaning “nothing.” This is false; this is absolutely wrong. The original Chinese character is not just “nothing,” but a subtraction from having. It means the opposite of “to have.” Do you understand? It is “to have not, to be without, to not grasp, to not cling, to not embrace, to let go,” and when you have not, you radiate outward. So you are no longer in a state where you are sucking in the world, but, because each individual person is a microcosm, there is some power, some god, some universal force that begins to radiate from the inside out. This is Chinese Mu, “Have not.” So it is not nothing. Many people sit and ask themselves—mu, mu—nothing what? NOTHING!”

Talk by Kongo Roshi

I’m finding this book I received from the Zen Buddhist Temple of Chicago very helpful, especially right now, in these difficult moments of being. I’m going to continue quoting the back of the book “The Diamond Sword: A Collection of Talks of Kongo Roshi.”

“Zen was the spiritual practice of the Samurai, the warrior class in ancient Japan.”

“The Zen of Kongo Langlois, Roshi, is for the warrior of the twentieth century—the professional, laborer, domestician, or student, facing the frenzied turbulence of modern life.”

“Roshi says that we must recognize, as did the Samurai, that the true enemy is our own insecurity and self-doubt. Thus, the warriors in our culture need weapons not to overcome others, but to overcome themselves. Zen is the spiritual practice that addresses this fundamental human challenge. The spiritual blade of zen, zazen meditation, seeks out and cuts away out own confusion and fear.”

“This collection of talks is intended to both instruct and inspire those who would take responsibility for themselves and work to solve their own problems.”

Gratitude, I greatly appreciate this independent publication.

over and over, then something

Here’s a list of thoughts and questions I typically have churning through my head over and over again that cause me so much suffering. Sometimes I can disable some of them, but sometimes I can’t, in which case they disable me. I get swamped in emotional stress, I become unable to focus on doing anything, and of course, I wonder why and cry.

• I don’t know what I am doing.
• I don’t understand what to do.
• I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t know why it has to be this way.
• Why is my life such a struggle?
• Why do I not know what to do?
• What can I do to make enough money and be authentically and completely happy?
• Why does this body hurt?
• Why am I depressed and negative and critical and judgemental and skeptical and suspicious and fearful and limited and lethargic and tired?
• Why have others screwed up the world?
• How can I fix the world?
• Why do I resent money, power, & work and necessity of these things in life?
• Why can’t I figure out what I need to do each day?
• Why do I ruminate so much?
• What responsibilities do I have as a human being?
• Why does culture require so much of me?
• Why do I think that others assume and expect so much of me?
• I’ve got big father issues. Why doesn’t my father live up to this realization that my life came from his decision and action to birth and raise me? Why do I continue to look to him for guidance and acceptance?
• Why do I feel marginalized, sidelined, ostracized, and alone?
• Why can’t I simply enjoy the things that I want to enjoy?
• Why am I sabotaging my own effort and action in life?
• Why can’t I feel honest and free from guilt?
• Why does life always take 100% of my effort, only occassionally leaving me with energetic return?

Well, I have been necessarily searching the web in an intuitively open manner in search of something. I believe I found that I need to forgive. Honestly, I thought I had done this already, many years ago, but apparently, forgiveness is more of a continual practice of freeing myself and others from the painful anguish around being consciously and unconsciously alive. We all make mistakes and cause anguish, knowingly or unknowingly. It doesn’t even matter if an apology is made or if an action is totally unjustified. Forgiveness is about deep understanding and compassion for our state of existence as beings and our quality of being, living, and relating.

This is making sense to me that this should arise. I’ve been terribly upset about my father this whole year, without coming to any resolution (until now). I’ve been resenting him (and work and money and societal problems) while not understanding my own continuing pain and anger. This is a strange relief. I don’t automatically feel much better, but I can see that I am not holding onto the stress. It’s slowly evaporating because I am aware of it in a new and liberating way.

The 4 Noble Truths help me come to understand forgiveness in ways that I hadn’t likely previously considered. Stephen Batchelor wrote that the Buddha “taught a method (‘dharma practice‘) rather than another ‘-ism.’ The dharma is not something to believe in but something to do. The Buddha did not reveal an esoteric set of facts about reality, which we can choose to believe in or not. He challenged people to understand the nature of anguish, let go of its origins, realize its cessation, and bring into being a way of life.” So, this is where I am at right now, in the midst of living change, and something new.