seeing the resistance

I met the resistance in my father again today, just a few moments ago. He called to say that he doesn’t want to travel in the very cold temperatures tonight to drive me home from my second scheduled Rolfing Session. He supplied me with plenty of excuses, though I did my best to remain silent on the phone here at work. He said I should cancel my appointment. I then remarked that I want to go the Rolfing Session and I can find a way to get home somehow. He was immediately relieved and thanked me.

I can see I too have done this similar excuse-filled behavior with friends, girlfriends, and family. It’s very strange not only for me, but very much for the other individual who is asking something of me. We both are at odds because I make it known and stick to my excuses for NOT DOING what the other wants. Usually, this situation lingers like stinky cheese in the minds of those who I have disappointed. Sometimes the excuse is justified and reasonable, but even when it is, it is still an excuse NOT TO DO because I DO NOT WANT TO. It still stinks. How immature am I to want to do what I want over what others ask of me? For me, I can see it is typically selfish laziness that causes me to generate a mindstream of pseudo-reasonable excuses for inaction.

Seeing and experiencing the resistance within my father to do as I have asked of him, I realize the frustration that is caused as a result. The frustration arises from WANTING to NOT DO something and is passed on through excusing one’s self from what has been asked. This is essentially breaking one’s word, even if it is implied in the fact that we are friends and family of the one’s who ask something of us.

In this moment, I apologize to those I have frustrated due to my selfish laziness in wanting not to do what you have asked of me. In most situations, I could have left my selfish desire behind and answered your call for my assistance in your life. I see in this moment of experiencing my father’s pattern inaction where my pattern of inaction has originated, and, that I may consciously be able to circumvent the learned conditioned habit towards “being with” you.

peace & harmony

thinking, knowing, and the Way

A good work acquaintance shared a Tao passage he recalls. “When you think you know, strange things happen.” I don’t think this is an accurate quotation, but it seems true. When I think I know, I typically act (or refrain from action) in reference to my knowledge that I am identified with knowing. When I think I know, if situations don’t conform to my knowledge, I think they are strange occurrences. Thinking I know is essentially limited thinking. When I act from what I know, it is limited action. Strange things that happen due to knowingly acting is not a bad thing, nor so much a good thing; it’s the changing temporal nature of the Way. The Way is simply, vastly such and this is how we learn, grow, and become wise, through a myriad of experiences, thought, and activity that opens us beyond thinking.

Spontaneity, letting go, relaxing, opening, playing, and moving with the flow of things are ways in which to embrace non-thinking practice. I’ve called this “vacation mind” in my journal writings. When I relax and expect nothing much, I become enjoyably aware of my surroundings in the present. “Vacation mind” is accepting and enjoying the present thusness of the Way things are. It’s slowing down and opening up. It’s letting go and taking it in. It’s beyond the normal thinking and knowing into enjoyable spontaneous living.

He also mentioned, with a little reluctance, that he meditates everyday in some form or another. I didn’t make any big deal of it, though I expressed my genuine understanding and affirmation of his offerings. It is also a comforting thing to hear that others are “seriously committed” to practicing meditation for their own wellbeing, whether privately or within community.

in a state of being

I am rather clearly a Type 4 (the Individualist/Romantic/Artist) within the Enneagram.

Basically, I feel like I am in the dark. I am generally, at least, mildly depressed. I can’t seem to shake this miserable state of lethargy. Nevertheless, I suppose I have been somewhat proactive. I have begun eating eggs and meat to build blood and increase my natural intake of protein and B vitamins. I know I am eating more dark green vegetables for folic acid and iron to build blood too. I’ve been trying to limit my consumption of copper rich foods and add zinc foods to my diet. I have been doing a little more cooking and cleaning. I continue to take Chi Gong on a weekly basis. I volunteer at a coop cafe. I am part of a Leadership Coop with an emerging church. I am going on a Zen retreat this weekend. I am scheduling some butoh dancing in the coming months. While it is probably the most difficult thing for me to do, I am doing a little more freelance design work too. All good signs, but I still feel physically and emotionally crappy and can’t usually wake up before 10am. My thoughts are all over the place and my attempts to ground myself with meditation, as I’ve been able to do before, seem futile most times because I get tired and irritable. I don’t know what to do, and yet I am doing what I can, when I can. I keep trying to give myself compassion and acceptance in this state of being, but that is so challenging too.

The things that make me happy, which I can see will be good for me to clarify here, are my friends and family. My fiancee is accepting, affirming, and loving. My brother, red, chooses to hang out with me and include me in his and his family’s life. My best friend continues to call me up to talk and bears my current lackluster enthusiasm for chatter. And, my pastor friend seems to enjoy my presence, contribution, and converstation too.

Not much else seems to move me. Everything else is seems so boring and irrelevant. I am confused, for sure. I can’t seem to gain mental clarity to assist me with living well. I mean, I know life is good and beautiful, but I just can’t feel or sense it for myself right now. Neither philosophy, spirituality, journaling, practice, sleep, nor eating seems to clear up my state of being.