Finding Wisdom

I feel so confused and disoriented when I really want life to be other than it is.
SO LET GO OF WANTING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.

I feel lost and foresaken when I consider that those who “love” me argue against me and reject me.
SO DO NOT ARGUE, DO NOT TAKE THEM PERSONALLY, AND DEEPLY ACCEPT ALL AS THEY ARE.

How do I manage to enjoy this lonely life?
RECOMMIT TO BEING HEALING ENERGY AND PRESENCE WITHIN, AND EVENTUALLY WITH PRACTICE, WITHOUT. THIS ENERGY IS INFINITE TRUTH EMBEDDED IN THESE WORLDLY FORMS.

How do I let go of all the clinging to what I want and avoidance of what I don’t want?
LET GO OF YOUR SEPARATE SELF-BASED CONDITIONED IGNORANCE AND BE ILLUMINATED BY THE BEAUTIFUL INFINITE ENERGY OF TRUTH

ONLY IN AN INSTANT OF CLARITY, THIS MOMENT BECOMES BOUNDLESS.
THIS EXPERIENCE IS SIMPLE ENLIGHTENMENT.
THERE IS NOTHING TO GAIN, FOR THIS THUSNESS IS IMMEASURABLE.
WHY CONTINUE WITH THE CONSCIOUS STRUGGLE OF THINKING, PERCEIVING, AND FEELING AROUND IRONING OUT CONDITIONED REALITY? HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED WITH ENOUGH PAINFUL SUFFERING THAT SUCH UNDERSTANDING IS ENDLESSLY FUTILE?
LETTING GO MEANS DISCONTINUING, DETACHING, RELAXING, ALLOWING, ACCEPTING, AND PEACEFULLY ABIDING IN THIS SITUATION AND MOMENT, ALWAYS HERE AND NOW.

PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE, FOR SUFFERING MAY BE ENDED NOW. IF CONDITIONED DELUSION DISTORTS YOUR NATURAL BEING, THEN IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO THE TRUTH THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW WITHIN. AS SUCH, REALIZE GREAT JOY, HEALTH, PEACE, COMFORT, ENERGY, CALM, WISDOM, AND RETURN TO LIVING TRUTH IN NATURAL FORM NOW.

how honest, how real

I want an even playing field, but I don’t think I will get it. As people say, life isn’t fair. I don’t believe life is fair or not fair. Life is real, not a delusion, which is what people (including myself) tend to forget in their dramatic, semi-serious lives. It’s Christmas night, and I am taking a stern look at myself because I am alone. I’ve been watching TV long enough. I see that I live my life not with joyful celebration of being with others (family and friends), but I am caught up in my own fearful delusion in an attempt to protect myself from deep vulnerable connection with others. Granted, part of this equation is how others live their lives. Isn’t it basically true that we all live our lives as conditioned beings. It’s your story or my story; you’re wrong, I’m right; how can we live together being so different; leave me alone, unless I want to connect: why are we so stuck in our delusional views causing so much dysfunction and suffering?

I want to awaken. I don’t mind the perceived difficulty. In fact, the enlightened ones encourage us all to drop our selfish stories about life and how things should be and turn honestly to our loved ones with the best that we have to offer. This too is process and practice. This is diving into the deep end of the pool even though we are so afraid. I must remember that even though I am not a good swimmer nor particularly fond of splashing about in a chlorinated liquid, I can swim and will remain completely alive if I jump.

I know I still love my ex-fiancee. Somehow I see and sense a brilliant radiance emanating from her being. I am attracted to her in profound ways. Is this experience also a story, a delusion, a self-conditioned state? I suppose so. I cling to what it seems to mean in my life: security, togetherness, comfort, care, attention, … .

How do we be totally honest and real? How do we convey our needs without embellishment in stories and desires? How do we connect with one another beyond the disguises we project and regularly live by? How do I evolve from conditioned existence to natural being in a world of conditioned being? Is it simply impossible?What is the expression of “right being,” to borrow a buddhist yardstick? Yardsticks don’t really help with understanding the essential nature of human being and the beautiful potentiality of embracing authentic being connection (with self and others).

I don’t want to estrange myself and others. I don’t want to go through the motions of relating with people. I don’t want to take all these moments of life for granted as if they really don’t matter because I fear being my true self. I want to be my true self. I want to be embraced by my fiancee for who I am, not what I do or think. Even actions fail to provide an honest picture of our true nature, because we are often living what we think we should do rather than dive deep into the pool of uncertainty, vulnerability, and intimacy (which we simply forget we can swim in).

frustration, but moving along

I’m reading “Depression Free Naturally” by Joan Matthews Larson, PhD. I’m diggin’ it, it’s making very good sense to me.

Our societal level of nutritional deficiency is very conditional. It’s amazing that humans aren’t really instituting the depth of health knowledge and practices as if creating the most magnificently tall skyscraper or an exceedingly long bridge. Really now people, why is the nationally Recommended Daily Allowances for nutrition so low as to barely suffice to maintain our bodily being. Ahhh, how else can we make the room for selling massive amounts of things that normal people can’t provide for themselves–pharmaceuticals, insurance, surgery, expensive healthcare?

I gotta get naturally healthy. I’m certainly on the way. I’ve been struggling with practicing a myriad of things to keep me headed in the “right” direction. What’s amazing to me is it seems my depression may be largely due to nutritional deficiency and hypoglycemia. These are societal influences, period. That’s why I’ve been so resentful of what I’ve been taught and given in this life! A masking of nature through the conditions of a society that is quite ignorant in it’s informational and fundamentalist posturing. This is where criticism is good for my own movement into further health practice and finding people who resonate similarly in connection with deeper levels of our truly mutual natural co-existence.

ONWARD…