story must be told

When I was young, I had a vision-like abstract nightmare. I do not recall exactly what age I had this frightening dream; I must have been older than 8, though not likely as old as 12. I’ll guess at 10 years of age, making me a 4th grader in a new school, the same time I shifted from being a rebellious and rambunctious kid to an introverted and intelligent guy.

In the middle of the night, I was half-awaken by a very memorable vision of colorful shapes approaching me from directly in front of me/beyond the foot of my bed. These shapes–triangle, square, and circle (I don’t recall other shapes) in yellow, red, and possibly blue or green or purple–were slowly approaching me as if in space from quite some distance. I was afraid, and as they got closer I know I got up and cowered at the head of my bed. As they reached the approximate edge of my room, I lept off my bed and headed to the closet, at which moment, they disappeared and it was over. I was awake and alarmed by this experience. It was obvious that it was a dream, yet the strange abstract quality and odd importance of this original experience remained in my mind. I’ve described this experience to a few people and written it in my journal as well. Now I share it here, as you will understand why as you read this post.

Mid-December of 2004, I was recently broken up from a significant relationship. It was getting harder to deal with the break up and understand why and how it could happen. I was doing OK, I had a good job and was living my life as well as possible. I had another vision that appeared in a dream. It was a symbol that I recalled as I awoke in the morning. I did not know what the symbol was  or could be symbolizing  at the time aside from it feeling incredibly significant and personally meaningful. Being a graphic designer, I was interested in this symbol revealing vision and quickly sketched the simple form in my journal.

Two and a half months of relationship woes and worries pass by over the winter, and at the end of February 2005, I had a very strong transformational experience lasting 3 days. I had finished a temporary job, recently gotten over a stress related cold, and spent an evening talking with my ex and crying. I walked home in the cold and the next three days were a flurry of explorative, meditative, singing, moving, and wakefulness thinking. I slept only as needed and not much at that. I was nearly high on and in my personal experience of gapping from typical habitual conditioned being to free and actualized brilliance in the reality of existence. This was a significant awakening experience that catapult me into living with awareness of the beauty of being alive in the present moment. The symbol which I envisioned months earlier became an abstract and infinite self-actualization symbol. Only a few days later, as I was visiting my brother in Seattle, I got tattooed with this personal symbol, or sigil, on my left arm. If you rotate the following group of three line-based characters 90 degrees clockwise, that’s what this symbol basically looks like. -)| This is a very powerful symbol of awakening that resists ego identification due to it’s abstractness and enables an ever-changing reintegration of the essential nature of reality.

I have been tattooed with this symbol and have been practicing with it’s significance in my life for nearly 4 years now. After my “gap” awakening experience, I opened greatly to the energy of reality and to many new things that continue to be amazing influences in my current life. And, in a similar way, as I was reading about the Tao of Philosophy today, I was immediately struck by the harmonizing quality of the two vision experiences I’ve had with Taoism. Until now, I had been trying to fit “my symbol” with essential Zen Buddhist philosophy. This has worked with some degree of sense and suitability, but not as immediately aligned as the shapes converge with the sigil symbol. Hence, simply, even though Taoist influences have been with me for years alongside Buddhist study, today, I perceive a significant shift toward the acceptance of the Taoist alignment as a course of activity that has been present in my most interesting and significant experiences in life. I also find this synergistic self-revelation poignant as it has occurred on the last day of this rocky year of 2008.

And I pray, may this path of movement, from the emptiness and relevance of my experience, bring forth goodness and harmony in the Way things are. Catholicism taught me conditioned discipline, Zen Buddhism opened my mind, and Taoism will harmonize the spirit with the body and mind in the Great Way of all existence.

how honest, how real

I want an even playing field, but I don’t think I will get it. As people say, life isn’t fair. I don’t believe life is fair or not fair. Life is real, not a delusion, which is what people (including myself) tend to forget in their dramatic, semi-serious lives. It’s Christmas night, and I am taking a stern look at myself because I am alone. I’ve been watching TV long enough. I see that I live my life not with joyful celebration of being with others (family and friends), but I am caught up in my own fearful delusion in an attempt to protect myself from deep vulnerable connection with others. Granted, part of this equation is how others live their lives. Isn’t it basically true that we all live our lives as conditioned beings. It’s your story or my story; you’re wrong, I’m right; how can we live together being so different; leave me alone, unless I want to connect: why are we so stuck in our delusional views causing so much dysfunction and suffering?

I want to awaken. I don’t mind the perceived difficulty. In fact, the enlightened ones encourage us all to drop our selfish stories about life and how things should be and turn honestly to our loved ones with the best that we have to offer. This too is process and practice. This is diving into the deep end of the pool even though we are so afraid. I must remember that even though I am not a good swimmer nor particularly fond of splashing about in a chlorinated liquid, I can swim and will remain completely alive if I jump.

I know I still love my ex-fiancee. Somehow I see and sense a brilliant radiance emanating from her being. I am attracted to her in profound ways. Is this experience also a story, a delusion, a self-conditioned state? I suppose so. I cling to what it seems to mean in my life: security, togetherness, comfort, care, attention, … .

How do we be totally honest and real? How do we convey our needs without embellishment in stories and desires? How do we connect with one another beyond the disguises we project and regularly live by? How do I evolve from conditioned existence to natural being in a world of conditioned being? Is it simply impossible?What is the expression of “right being,” to borrow a buddhist yardstick? Yardsticks don’t really help with understanding the essential nature of human being and the beautiful potentiality of embracing authentic being connection (with self and others).

I don’t want to estrange myself and others. I don’t want to go through the motions of relating with people. I don’t want to take all these moments of life for granted as if they really don’t matter because I fear being my true self. I want to be my true self. I want to be embraced by my fiancee for who I am, not what I do or think. Even actions fail to provide an honest picture of our true nature, because we are often living what we think we should do rather than dive deep into the pool of uncertainty, vulnerability, and intimacy (which we simply forget we can swim in).

non-dualism

Recent moments are fresh, like and unlike all other moments, but there is no substitute for now. When I am caught up—identified with—my views, thoughts, feelings, sensations, situations, and actions, I am not in the now; I have mentally separated from reality and headed into my cognitive landscape of understandings (aka delusion). It’s important to realize that this is not only common, but natural. The part that is so crucial to remember and practice with in life is that identification is the aspect of attachment that stagnates us in the limited, permanent, separate view of reality which births our dualistic modes of thinking. A positive or negative thought, a painful or exhilarating sensation, a traumatic or desired situation is not the issue! It is not ‘what,’ but ‘how’ we live. Dualistic thinking attempts to address ‘how’ we live through ‘what’ we think, feel, and do. Dualism, an ideological system we typically automatically utilize, is better understood as a highly efficient thought process for understanding and discerning reality. It’s easy to use given the infinite complexity of reality. It helps us limit, separate, and define everything we can think about in a convenient system of opposites. And, for that purpose, for the ends in which the system itself enables, it is a powerful tool.

What about reality beyond thinking? The phrase ‘not two’ helps to discontinue the dualistic thinking, even discontinuing thought for a moment. Yes, this moment can be transcendent if we are open to the experience of being being thinking, resting in the reality of harmonious presence.

Carl Jung’s description of the ouroboros in alchemy is a striking new way for me to open my mind and being further to understanding and living harmony amid the conditional duality dominant in contemporary culture. An ouroboros is a purifying sigil depicting a snake or dragon in a circular form eating it’s own tail which symbolizes the oneness of reality and being. Inside and out along with all other conceptual dualistic opposites are in process of transcendence or being eaten and understood.

What are non-dualistic thought processes? Zen Buddhism and Taoism are non-dualistic means for understanding and thinking. Here’s insightful writing on zen logic.

thinking, knowing, and the Way

A good work acquaintance shared a Tao passage he recalls. “When you think you know, strange things happen.” I don’t think this is an accurate quotation, but it seems true. When I think I know, I typically act (or refrain from action) in reference to my knowledge that I am identified with knowing. When I think I know, if situations don’t conform to my knowledge, I think they are strange occurrences. Thinking I know is essentially limited thinking. When I act from what I know, it is limited action. Strange things that happen due to knowingly acting is not a bad thing, nor so much a good thing; it’s the changing temporal nature of the Way. The Way is simply, vastly such and this is how we learn, grow, and become wise, through a myriad of experiences, thought, and activity that opens us beyond thinking.

Spontaneity, letting go, relaxing, opening, playing, and moving with the flow of things are ways in which to embrace non-thinking practice. I’ve called this “vacation mind” in my journal writings. When I relax and expect nothing much, I become enjoyably aware of my surroundings in the present. “Vacation mind” is accepting and enjoying the present thusness of the Way things are. It’s slowing down and opening up. It’s letting go and taking it in. It’s beyond the normal thinking and knowing into enjoyable spontaneous living.

He also mentioned, with a little reluctance, that he meditates everyday in some form or another. I didn’t make any big deal of it, though I expressed my genuine understanding and affirmation of his offerings. It is also a comforting thing to hear that others are “seriously committed” to practicing meditation for their own wellbeing, whether privately or within community.

not no, arriving at yes

I have to write in order to get my mind into this moment. This is a practice of mine, one that has grown into a dependence, and writing is dependable at this moment. Maybe not in the future, but right now writing is my practice. I am dependent on my choice to act, to practice what I do as well as how I do.

I cannot think in terms of “no.” Of course, I can. But what I mean is that even when I think in terms of “no” I am not actually thinking “no.” How can this be?

Wrong is always conditional, and always temporal. I, you, us, we, them, it is never wrong. Within a conditionally conceived and constructed situation, stuff appears wrong or right and our body/mind/energy follows along with the thought-perceptions.

If there is no “no,” and no means no only conditionally and temporally, then yes, respect must still be given to our relative-bound existence. Transcendence of the karmically conditioned mind-body is not a possibility, because there simply is no separation (a yes to oneness) as all things change in the now.

How am I so habitually stuck in negatively attached thinking streams? It’s been a survivalistic strategy to bear the karmic conditioning that has naturally taken place. As complex-minded humans, we all experience this with varying degrees of attachment/avoidance, whether we realize it or not.

How can this be true? How does this observation help me heal from my tendency toward depression? What do I do with this understanding?

exhaustion into peace

It is exhausting to live by conditions. If my thoughts are concerned with the conditions of being, and most importantly, unaware of the boundlessness of support in being, I get wrapped up in the messy, complicated imperfectness of everything. This is a viewpoint I succumb to in meeting the conditions of cultural responsibility and duty. All sorts of stress is loaded onto my existence causing me to suffer more because I do not want things to be this miserable. Ahh, the ironic benefit of depression and stress is that we do experience our personal suffering in mind, body and spirit. This is exhausting, though it is also our way to learn that we must change our ways of thinking, moving, and consciousness. Everyone is immersed in this process of balance, though the diversity of experiences clouds some of our ability to love equanimously as all humans enter and exit this process of living change.

May all humans realize the strength of the absolute universality of being that threads us together in the diversity of form and conditions. May we experience this peaceful connection from the grace of awareness and choose to grow our loving clarity in daily living practice. Harmony & Gratitude.

Remember: Conditions are not the Self, nor loving compassion. Conditions are egotistic in nature, we cling and eschew conditions constantly from an egotistic view. Awareness and acceptance help ourSelves transcend our habitually ego-identified minds.

 

moving along without purpose

I started attending a four week Zen & Depression class at A Single Thread this past week. It was beneficial to meditate, walk, and focus awareness to the body and outside, but also to hear the some more info about depression, anxiety, and such things. Just being open to hear what others have to say about depression is important for my how of dealing with life.

Another interesting thing is a conversation me and my fiancee had earlier today. She asked if I’ve ever had a goal that I tried to do but felt bad about afterwards. I had to answer no, because I really haven’t had my own goal. She hit it right on the target! She revealed the fact that I’ve been observing, trying things, and adopting others’ goals through life. Then, we talked about purpose for a while. Due to being conscious beings, we determined that purpose is necessary for us to be active in our life choices. Purpose changes along with everything else in reality, though, it’s lack in life–which is what I have been experiencing for quite some time–appears to cause depression and anxiety. Tired of attaching to the next interesting or necessary thing that comes into my life, I have been lacking purpose and thus, focus, goals, perspective, grounding, connection points to others, depth of action. I have been dwelling in existential misery.

Conversely, one thing I have learned is the subtleness of darkness and emptiness. I am not afraid of death, boredom, nothingness, not knowing, etc. but it is still challenging to work with these aspects of life, particularly when I am purposeless. I am noticing that belief may take the place of purpose. Belief is “an attitude of acceptance or assent toward a proposition without the full intellectual knowledge required guaranteeing its truth.” Purpose is “determination: the quality of being determined to do or achieve something.” But purpose is not simply a goal towards which we act and work, it is the whole life path that we choose. It is the process and the intended goal, that we decide to entirely align our lives with intention, attention, and conscious awareness as creative and free beings. Our purposes are unseparable from reality and the nature of reality (contingency, creativity, change, and ambiguity). However, it seems belief and thought can distort the realistic connections of our purpose. Thus, the phrase “rest in presence, move from emptiness” comes to mind again as a way of reharmonizing with reality, instead of belief.

So, I’m learning and thinking anew about purpose, but I am not aligned with my purpose, because I don’t have one. The words of advice I have for myself are… “creating your purpose is part of your process of healing, continue with how for now.”

peace and gratitude