over and over, then something

Here’s a list of thoughts and questions I typically have churning through my head over and over again that cause me so much suffering. Sometimes I can disable some of them, but sometimes I can’t, in which case they disable me. I get swamped in emotional stress, I become unable to focus on doing anything, and of course, I wonder why and cry.

• I don’t know what I am doing.
• I don’t understand what to do.
• I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t know why it has to be this way.
• Why is my life such a struggle?
• Why do I not know what to do?
• What can I do to make enough money and be authentically and completely happy?
• Why does this body hurt?
• Why am I depressed and negative and critical and judgemental and skeptical and suspicious and fearful and limited and lethargic and tired?
• Why have others screwed up the world?
• How can I fix the world?
• Why do I resent money, power, & work and necessity of these things in life?
• Why can’t I figure out what I need to do each day?
• Why do I ruminate so much?
• What responsibilities do I have as a human being?
• Why does culture require so much of me?
• Why do I think that others assume and expect so much of me?
• I’ve got big father issues. Why doesn’t my father live up to this realization that my life came from his decision and action to birth and raise me? Why do I continue to look to him for guidance and acceptance?
• Why do I feel marginalized, sidelined, ostracized, and alone?
• Why can’t I simply enjoy the things that I want to enjoy?
• Why am I sabotaging my own effort and action in life?
• Why can’t I feel honest and free from guilt?
• Why does life always take 100% of my effort, only occassionally leaving me with energetic return?

Well, I have been necessarily searching the web in an intuitively open manner in search of something. I believe I found that I need to forgive. Honestly, I thought I had done this already, many years ago, but apparently, forgiveness is more of a continual practice of freeing myself and others from the painful anguish around being consciously and unconsciously alive. We all make mistakes and cause anguish, knowingly or unknowingly. It doesn’t even matter if an apology is made or if an action is totally unjustified. Forgiveness is about deep understanding and compassion for our state of existence as beings and our quality of being, living, and relating.

This is making sense to me that this should arise. I’ve been terribly upset about my father this whole year, without coming to any resolution (until now). I’ve been resenting him (and work and money and societal problems) while not understanding my own continuing pain and anger. This is a strange relief. I don’t automatically feel much better, but I can see that I am not holding onto the stress. It’s slowly evaporating because I am aware of it in a new and liberating way.

The 4 Noble Truths help me come to understand forgiveness in ways that I hadn’t likely previously considered. Stephen Batchelor wrote that the Buddha “taught a method (‘dharma practice‘) rather than another ‘-ism.’ The dharma is not something to believe in but something to do. The Buddha did not reveal an esoteric set of facts about reality, which we can choose to believe in or not. He challenged people to understand the nature of anguish, let go of its origins, realize its cessation, and bring into being a way of life.” So, this is where I am at right now, in the midst of living change, and something new.

in a state of being

I am rather clearly a Type 4 (the Individualist/Romantic/Artist) within the Enneagram.

Basically, I feel like I am in the dark. I am generally, at least, mildly depressed. I can’t seem to shake this miserable state of lethargy. Nevertheless, I suppose I have been somewhat proactive. I have begun eating eggs and meat to build blood and increase my natural intake of protein and B vitamins. I know I am eating more dark green vegetables for folic acid and iron to build blood too. I’ve been trying to limit my consumption of copper rich foods and add zinc foods to my diet. I have been doing a little more cooking and cleaning. I continue to take Chi Gong on a weekly basis. I volunteer at a coop cafe. I am part of a Leadership Coop with an emerging church. I am going on a Zen retreat this weekend. I am scheduling some butoh dancing in the coming months. While it is probably the most difficult thing for me to do, I am doing a little more freelance design work too. All good signs, but I still feel physically and emotionally crappy and can’t usually wake up before 10am. My thoughts are all over the place and my attempts to ground myself with meditation, as I’ve been able to do before, seem futile most times because I get tired and irritable. I don’t know what to do, and yet I am doing what I can, when I can. I keep trying to give myself compassion and acceptance in this state of being, but that is so challenging too.

The things that make me happy, which I can see will be good for me to clarify here, are my friends and family. My fiancee is accepting, affirming, and loving. My brother, red, chooses to hang out with me and include me in his and his family’s life. My best friend continues to call me up to talk and bears my current lackluster enthusiasm for chatter. And, my pastor friend seems to enjoy my presence, contribution, and converstation too.

Not much else seems to move me. Everything else is seems so boring and irrelevant. I am confused, for sure. I can’t seem to gain mental clarity to assist me with living well. I mean, I know life is good and beautiful, but I just can’t feel or sense it for myself right now. Neither philosophy, spirituality, journaling, practice, sleep, nor eating seems to clear up my state of being.