healing energy and presence

How do I choose to commit to a new vocational direction in life with all my ignorance and unassuredness in making a good and right decision? It sure is a risk, to change, to switch careers, to listen to a deeper sense of my being in choosing the work that I would appreciate doing each day. I suppose it is not as big of a risk as I took when I was younger and knew even less about myself and the world when I decided on my current work field. Seems true enough. Now I feel a bit more confident. Nice.

I want to become a “healer.” I think I have a lot to offer others, if they want my assistance in their movement in change. This is a reciprocal function as well. By helping others, I will be helping myself too. I need the support as much as you do, and this is nearly always true for us humans. I think that embarking on a vocational path of helping others heal, I too will continue to heal.

This is a large step of opening for me: from wounded to healer. But it is in deeply knowing the woundedness that I am rising with self knowledge into loving compassion. Awareness is the key for healing into being harmoniously present. A process of unconditioning and re-learning trust of our natural being is in staying true to the Way things are. How can deep irrevocable healing take place in any other way? We certainly cannot dupe ourselves into healing! That’s simply swapping out one illusion with another, and then, another after that. That’s conditioned existence, not living with and accepting emptiness.

Today, the day of the new moon, an irrevocable synergistic opportunity of possibility in harmonizing myself with the Way, I want to commit to my new path in being “healing energy and presence.” This is my consciously aware recognition that I have been headed in this direction for a long time and that I am very deeply interested in helping others who may ask me to assist them in healing changes.

I am currently particularly attracted to Rolfing, Feldenkrais, and Zentherapy. I am nearing the final (tenth) session with my friend who is a Rolfer. This is influencing me, as I learn the structural aspects of the body. I have received a small amount of Feldenkrais instruction which helps me to understand the function of the body. Zen practice also inflences me greatly in re-directing myself in the Way. I practice Qi Gong and Butoh too – healing movement modalities. I am also influenced by Traditional Chinese Medicine in receipt of acupuncture, herbs and Taoist wisdom. In these ways, I have been moving into a general field of movement, awareness, mind/body practices, and healing. I do not know what else to say at this time other than list these wonderful influences and continue to be grateful for their presence in my life.

learning about purpose

Today is the first day of a distance learning class that I am taking: Living on Purpose via the ToDo Institute. This should help me grow in understanding MY purpose versus my usual perspective of eliminating personal viewpoints and goal-building. I guess I would say of myself that I have been reeking of zen in my thinking and talking about the Way, rather than living life in this moment without fabricated purpose. Oh, I do my best, but it seems much more like hypocrisy to me than equanimous fulfillment. Thus, I am on my way to continue learning about purpose.

doing my best is choosing thusness

Here, now, being with and encouraging myself authentically as rising conscious energy, I offer myself and the world these reflections on awakening and becoming into the fullness of being here and now in this.

(Sentence reads in a redundant manner, though it is simply cycling through being and conditioning.)

accept and practice with what this is now as it is,

be caring and sensitive of yourself and the environment (all form),

be especially mindful of your/others’ deepest needs,

all of the conditional views and attachments will pass as you surrender to flow with the current of conscious awareness deep within all being;

this is equanimous presence, big buddha mind, co-creative conscious awareness, inner primary purpose, contingent interdependent co-arising of being.

moving along without purpose

I started attending a four week Zen & Depression class at A Single Thread this past week. It was beneficial to meditate, walk, and focus awareness to the body and outside, but also to hear the some more info about depression, anxiety, and such things. Just being open to hear what others have to say about depression is important for my how of dealing with life.

Another interesting thing is a conversation me and my fiancee had earlier today. She asked if I’ve ever had a goal that I tried to do but felt bad about afterwards. I had to answer no, because I really haven’t had my own goal. She hit it right on the target! She revealed the fact that I’ve been observing, trying things, and adopting others’ goals through life. Then, we talked about purpose for a while. Due to being conscious beings, we determined that purpose is necessary for us to be active in our life choices. Purpose changes along with everything else in reality, though, it’s lack in life–which is what I have been experiencing for quite some time–appears to cause depression and anxiety. Tired of attaching to the next interesting or necessary thing that comes into my life, I have been lacking purpose and thus, focus, goals, perspective, grounding, connection points to others, depth of action. I have been dwelling in existential misery.

Conversely, one thing I have learned is the subtleness of darkness and emptiness. I am not afraid of death, boredom, nothingness, not knowing, etc. but it is still challenging to work with these aspects of life, particularly when I am purposeless. I am noticing that belief may take the place of purpose. Belief is “an attitude of acceptance or assent toward a proposition without the full intellectual knowledge required guaranteeing its truth.” Purpose is “determination: the quality of being determined to do or achieve something.” But purpose is not simply a goal towards which we act and work, it is the whole life path that we choose. It is the process and the intended goal, that we decide to entirely align our lives with intention, attention, and conscious awareness as creative and free beings. Our purposes are unseparable from reality and the nature of reality (contingency, creativity, change, and ambiguity). However, it seems belief and thought can distort the realistic connections of our purpose. Thus, the phrase “rest in presence, move from emptiness” comes to mind again as a way of reharmonizing with reality, instead of belief.

So, I’m learning and thinking anew about purpose, but I am not aligned with my purpose, because I don’t have one. The words of advice I have for myself are… “creating your purpose is part of your process of healing, continue with how for now.”

peace and gratitude