thinking, knowing, and the Way

A good work acquaintance shared a Tao passage he recalls. “When you think you know, strange things happen.” I don’t think this is an accurate quotation, but it seems true. When I think I know, I typically act (or refrain from action) in reference to my knowledge that I am identified with knowing. When I think I know, if situations don’t conform to my knowledge, I think they are strange occurrences. Thinking I know is essentially limited thinking. When I act from what I know, it is limited action. Strange things that happen due to knowingly acting is not a bad thing, nor so much a good thing; it’s the changing temporal nature of the Way. The Way is simply, vastly such and this is how we learn, grow, and become wise, through a myriad of experiences, thought, and activity that opens us beyond thinking.

Spontaneity, letting go, relaxing, opening, playing, and moving with the flow of things are ways in which to embrace non-thinking practice. I’ve called this “vacation mind” in my journal writings. When I relax and expect nothing much, I become enjoyably aware of my surroundings in the present. “Vacation mind” is accepting and enjoying the present thusness of the Way things are. It’s slowing down and opening up. It’s letting go and taking it in. It’s beyond the normal thinking and knowing into enjoyable spontaneous living.

He also mentioned, with a little reluctance, that he meditates everyday in some form or another. I didn’t make any big deal of it, though I expressed my genuine understanding and affirmation of his offerings. It is also a comforting thing to hear that others are “seriously committed” to practicing meditation for their own wellbeing, whether privately or within community.

advice from myself

This morning, before 4 a.m., I awoke thirsty and restless. I noticed hunger too and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to bike to a local all hours diner. The full harvest moon was bright. I wrote in my journal and ate a little food.

I found myself relaxing and opening up to awareness, without much thoughtful internal commentary. I continued writing as my mindfulness became rather lucid. I wrote about my hesitancy and fear in healing changes, the nature of being an evolutionary creature along a path of awakening, the boundlessness of our karmic actions regardless of awareness, and the simple and profound relevance of purity in a life of practice.

Then, as a separate paragraph all it’s own, I wrote in the second person point of view to myself, as if to give myself helpful advice.

“Boundless awakened being is very simple. Don’t get confused by delusion and your own ignorance and lack of experiential knowledge—infinity is the nature of being [real]; reality is simply infinite. Purify from this centered understanding; and keep trying, paying attention, and listening to your true self.”

So, I wrote in my journal back to this wise and beneficial internal voice. “Thank you! I appreciate this wisdom transmission.”

I went back to sleep upon returning home. I awoke again, restless again. But, of course, I remembered some of this unusual experience throughout my day today. Good thing I wrote stuff down; and I am writing again here.

Out to meditation practice tonight…

post Birthday blues

Well, I had a good Birthday. But, I don’t care. I’m depressed, at least, that’s the label I am attaching to today. More accurately, I am depressing–sensations, feelings, thoughts, judgements, confusion, conditioning–my life. I’m identifying with this state of being. I’ve experienced this kind of being for such a darn large percentage of my life, thus I am comforted by this typical, seemingly manageable, but still miserable existence. Sometimes it is much worse, sometimes not so bad at all, though I am still depressing my life away. “I don’t know what to do,” I say so often. I suppose, due to all this depressing, I am confusing myself too. It feels a lot like a maze. I really don’t know which way to go, though it seems I must still keep on going this way and that way. I’m tired, almost bored, but more annoyed with having to go through this odd maze. I sort of feel that I am going in circles a bit too; here and there a turn leads me back in a direction I feel is familiar. Writing this isn’t helping either. I just feel like I am wasting time, I feel guilty for living this life, I wish I could really do better with my actions, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Now, I am reminded of a phrase by Ghandi, “Whatsoever you do will be insignificant, and it is very important that you do it.” But I don’t understand this, even though I could likely explain it conceptually. Everything feels empty, even my suffering, because I’m so used to it. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t care much either. I don’t want to lose the wonderful kinds of things in my life that I seem to take for granted, but I can’t seem to “be real” or “act authentically” either. I suppose my deep psychological definition for real and authentic is something like perfect or pure. Compassionate acceptance of me as I am would be nice, but then what? What am I to do next? It seems I am missing the point, the now, here, me living in this moment. Not the next step, but this step to just accept myself. I have a headache; I am hungry; I am a little tense in my neck and shoulders; I am thirsty; I am alive; I am identifying with my sensations; I am somewhat aware, but more annoyed and upset. Now what, now what, now what? Cheri Huber would probably say “now how?” But I don’t understand this either, even though I could likely explain this too. Hmmmm. Reflecting the mirrored light inward, I gaze, seeing nothing much at all. “The path leading to the unconditioned is mindfulness directed to body,” says Stephen Batchelor. I suppose I’ll go out for some dinner, due to being hungry, thirsty, and tense.

Thanks for all your insignificant action!

ADDENDA:
“Come to your senses. It is not the things of this world, be they chocolate or brown rice, that lead you astray. Losing your way comes from giving no mind to what is present while chasing after imaginary pleasures which are illusive and unobtainable. To wake up is to know what is already yours.” Edward Espe Brown

Not being present with what is, caught in my habits of depressing thinking, I suffer a lot. Change is part of reality, how will I change? My insurmountable mind, always measuring and trying, wanting and figuring, is not separate from my body, nor all of reality. Whew, still haven’t eaten.

change, in steps through practice

Healing is a process of change.
But what am i healing?
I know I am suffering from depression and have been for most of my adult life. This is probably my most serious issue in life. I have attended to many other things and have learned a good amount, but depression is what I am challenged to change now.

What I have found recently is Cheri Huber’s book “How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be”. Significantly for me, Cheri Huber mentions that her Zen teacher often said “Well, ya know, it’s not what, it’s how.” I am thinking to myself, “It’s not what am I healing, it’s how I am healing.” I already know what my main issue is. I have been writing in my journals for approximately 13 years about my problems and issues. Of course, I have dealt with how before, but not quite from the perspective of meditation and awareness practice. Now it is clearer to me that I needed to learn how to meditate to develop the capacity and skills in mindfulness and awareness in order to deal with the casual conditioning of my depression. So, I’ve gone another step here, realizing the contingent nature of the process of healing change.

Here’s another beneficial web page that Cheri offers regarding peoples’ practice experiences.

So, I stopped sitting, but I probably stopped meditating a while before that. Now, I shall re-begin meditating and practicing my path of healing change. I am more focused in my purposeful endeavor to stop suffering through depression and embrace awakening with my practice.

Gratitude.

poem of being

more struggle
my mind is tightly wound up
and yet I cannot focus
thoughts swirl endlessly
without grounded sensibility or traceable cause
hmmmmm, <sigh>
stop averting this current state of being
relax and control nothing (Mu!*)
remember appropriate beneficial advice
forgive myself for not living up to my (and others’) grandiose expectations
slice through self-loathing, self-doubt, judgement, criticism, and limitation
on the path of healing

- – -

*

“You know Mu, the famous koan in Rinzai Zen [Master Joshu is asked if a cat has Buddha nature and he answers "Mu."] is always translated or stated in English as meaning “nothing.” This is false; this is absolutely wrong. The original Chinese character is not just “nothing,” but a subtraction from having. It means the opposite of “to have.” Do you understand? It is “to have not, to be without, to not grasp, to not cling, to not embrace, to let go,” and when you have not, you radiate outward. So you are no longer in a state where you are sucking in the world, but, because each individual person is a microcosm, there is some power, some god, some universal force that begins to radiate from the inside out. This is Chinese Mu, “Have not.” So it is not nothing. Many people sit and ask themselves—mu, mu—nothing what? NOTHING!”

Talk by Kongo Roshi

I’m finding this book I received from the Zen Buddhist Temple of Chicago very helpful, especially right now, in these difficult moments of being. I’m going to continue quoting the back of the book “The Diamond Sword: A Collection of Talks of Kongo Roshi.”

“Zen was the spiritual practice of the Samurai, the warrior class in ancient Japan.”

“The Zen of Kongo Langlois, Roshi, is for the warrior of the twentieth century—the professional, laborer, domestician, or student, facing the frenzied turbulence of modern life.”

“Roshi says that we must recognize, as did the Samurai, that the true enemy is our own insecurity and self-doubt. Thus, the warriors in our culture need weapons not to overcome others, but to overcome themselves. Zen is the spiritual practice that addresses this fundamental human challenge. The spiritual blade of zen, zazen meditation, seeks out and cuts away out own confusion and fear.”

“This collection of talks is intended to both instruct and inspire those who would take responsibility for themselves and work to solve their own problems.”

Gratitude, I greatly appreciate this independent publication.

over and over, then something

Here’s a list of thoughts and questions I typically have churning through my head over and over again that cause me so much suffering. Sometimes I can disable some of them, but sometimes I can’t, in which case they disable me. I get swamped in emotional stress, I become unable to focus on doing anything, and of course, I wonder why and cry.

• I don’t know what I am doing.
• I don’t understand what to do.
• I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t know why it has to be this way.
• Why is my life such a struggle?
• Why do I not know what to do?
• What can I do to make enough money and be authentically and completely happy?
• Why does this body hurt?
• Why am I depressed and negative and critical and judgemental and skeptical and suspicious and fearful and limited and lethargic and tired?
• Why have others screwed up the world?
• How can I fix the world?
• Why do I resent money, power, & work and necessity of these things in life?
• Why can’t I figure out what I need to do each day?
• Why do I ruminate so much?
• What responsibilities do I have as a human being?
• Why does culture require so much of me?
• Why do I think that others assume and expect so much of me?
• I’ve got big father issues. Why doesn’t my father live up to this realization that my life came from his decision and action to birth and raise me? Why do I continue to look to him for guidance and acceptance?
• Why do I feel marginalized, sidelined, ostracized, and alone?
• Why can’t I simply enjoy the things that I want to enjoy?
• Why am I sabotaging my own effort and action in life?
• Why can’t I feel honest and free from guilt?
• Why does life always take 100% of my effort, only occassionally leaving me with energetic return?

Well, I have been necessarily searching the web in an intuitively open manner in search of something. I believe I found that I need to forgive. Honestly, I thought I had done this already, many years ago, but apparently, forgiveness is more of a continual practice of freeing myself and others from the painful anguish around being consciously and unconsciously alive. We all make mistakes and cause anguish, knowingly or unknowingly. It doesn’t even matter if an apology is made or if an action is totally unjustified. Forgiveness is about deep understanding and compassion for our state of existence as beings and our quality of being, living, and relating.

This is making sense to me that this should arise. I’ve been terribly upset about my father this whole year, without coming to any resolution (until now). I’ve been resenting him (and work and money and societal problems) while not understanding my own continuing pain and anger. This is a strange relief. I don’t automatically feel much better, but I can see that I am not holding onto the stress. It’s slowly evaporating because I am aware of it in a new and liberating way.

The 4 Noble Truths help me come to understand forgiveness in ways that I hadn’t likely previously considered. Stephen Batchelor wrote that the Buddha “taught a method (‘dharma practice‘) rather than another ‘-ism.’ The dharma is not something to believe in but something to do. The Buddha did not reveal an esoteric set of facts about reality, which we can choose to believe in or not. He challenged people to understand the nature of anguish, let go of its origins, realize its cessation, and bring into being a way of life.” So, this is where I am at right now, in the midst of living change, and something new.

it takes time

Life changes take time. There’s an ebb and flow quality to life along the path of healing and awakening. Occasionally, I can see how my honest intention to change in positive ways has slowly but surely nudged me along toward beneficial thoughts, feelings, and actions. In this vein, I can see how the discipline of daily meditation practice may substantially help me. I simply haven’t committed myself to doing such disciplined practice. May I change now and simply committ? I want to say yes, but I’m afraid. Though, I know meditation practice will likely help me be compassionate to myself as I’m afraid and unsure and confused. I will committ to daily meditation practice.

“… Turn around the light to shine within, then just return. The vast inconceivable source can’t be faced or turned away from. Meet the ancestral teachers, be familiar with their instruction, bind the grasses to build a hut and don’t give up. Let go of hundreds of years and relax completely. Open your hands and walk, innocent. Thousands of words, myriad interpretations are only to free you from obstructions. If you want to know the undying person in the hut, don’t separate from this skin bag here and now.”

about the last third of “Song of the Grass-Roof Hermitage” by Shitou Xiqian