darkness and awareness

Stuck, alone, misunderstood, mirred in the effect of convoluted nurtured (humanly conceived) karmic conditions;
fearing the future, wanting simplicity, not knowing what to choose or what may happen, desiring authentic connection–
even as I may have subtle sublime groundedness in a variety of peaceful practices–
it is through awareness I can see my life appears to be lived largely in the darkness.

It is rather obvious I “have” intellect, knowledge, experience, consciousness, mindfulness, attentiveness, authenticity, intentionality, skills, and awareness. Yet nevertheless, I appear to be immersed in darkness. Is this simply the limitation of being a (contemporary) human–ignorant, desirous, selfish, inauthentically networked with humanity and nature? Or, is this simply the way life is–unknowable, immeasurable, inexact, unpredictable, imperfectly perfect, bound by physical form for a while? Why do I feel so disconnected from Truth in this contemporary social living human being form? The dark depressing disconnection IS CAUSED BY psycho-socially enculturated ego identifications with the worldly ways of activity. In short, we’ve brainwashed ourselves and continue this onward. When there is no seeming freedom from these ways that appear to be the only way to live and options for living, then the rest is unknowable darkness. I may ostracize myself, you may enjoy partying, she may focus on the role of mothering, he may concentrate on making money for survival for his family and community–however, the brainwashing continues like the plague and suffering is the effect.

I’m way too aware and have tread far enough along this spiritual journey so as not to omit the obvious universally inherited state of ignorance of humanity. And, now, in our contemporary culture, with all of the potential along with the problems, we cannot seemingly secede in the attempt of recreation! We are not free from the conditions that humans have created! I am entangled in the mess I’ve been born into. Even as awareness informs us of the eternal and infinite qualities of nature, we’ve enslaved and continue to condition ourselves with separated, permanent, and finite understandings of life. Based on my own experiences and my frequent listening to amazing spiritual humans, it appears quite impossible to find worldly harmony without thorough unification with that which is unknowable (aka God, Source, the Way, etc.).

Can anyone or any culture any longer live Truth as it naturally is in authentic aware co-creation of harmonious living despite worldly conditions? That is the only life I want to live, but I know not how to do such, nor what activities to choose in this worldly existence that may be actually beneficial. The myth of

The Healing I am going through is thoroughly transformative; I’ve been simply graced with one enlightenment period that allowed me an authentic experience of Truth and Beauty in human being and living. And in retrospective memory, while it did last an entire year, it was a mere taste of freedom from suffering, like a warm vacation from the coldly contradictory borrowed consciousness we karmically inherit being born as humans in our culture. Some cultures don’t have it quite as “bad” as most contemporary Westerners.

I make small steps to arrive into conscious awareness; this is my authentic practice. Meditation, inspiration through art, movement, journaling/writing, discussions, listenings, receivings, givings, gratitude, nature, experiences, understandings, and such ways gracefully allow me to open to this thusness here and now as it all is. I “have” or am awareness, though I am also in the dark, cold and alone. The only reconciliation at this point is unity, wholeness, oneness. I do not and cannot seem to know how this will occur nor what I should choose in activity beyond what I already practice that may suffice for actualizing the manifestation of thorough oneness of the Way in my relative and absolute human beingness. I suppose I mention this last sentence largely because most people seem to hold the opinion of me that I am already obsessed and over-thinking all of this spiritual process and transformation to my detriment. Fortunately or unfortunately, I continue to live in not knowing what or how oneness may manifest in my life.

It seems as though human life must become reintegrated somehow from this disturbingly divisive split from natural being and oneness. The only reason why we impose and brainwash ourselves with a separated, permanent, and egotistically ignorant knowledge is because we do not see beyond what we’ve learned and do not realize it is possible to live beyond these worldly confines of culture. Will the government imprison me for claiming this earthly existence with the authentic authority of being sustainable nature itself? I, aware nature itself, recognize and declare this inseparable, impermanent, immeasurable planet a natural preserve! On what more realistic ground does any identified human have to counter such obvious Truth?

Personally, I recognize I am uninterested in creating new myths or art of entertainment. I love authentic creative art of all forms–such is natural and beautiful Truth. However, I am much more heartened by the seeming need to convey the underlying universal Truth which we must honestly wake up to and harmonize with, if we are to survive with nature in living with the energy of all being beyond suffering. My disconnection is not only my own suffering, but the suffering of humanity on a universal scale that I am particularly sensitive to and aware of as caused by the contradictory enculturation of contemporary civilization. I live here and now, in the midst of strife and beauty inseparable, impermanent, and beyond knowing. My journey continues as I recommit to being this force of the Source of transformation from separated mind to aware natural being. I know not where this life manifestation will take me, yet it is clear I must be a True Way Follower, not an automaton of karmic conditioning. Such is my authentic life purpose, may I be graced with the ability to continue.

what is real

What is real? That’s the question that is oft asked within our selves and in the worldly society. Us humans have successfully blurred the definition of real with all of the sur-real and fantasy of borrowed consciousness made manifest. What is this life that I live day after day? What is life? I’ve been asking what life is for a very long time; so long that maybe I can’t stop questioning these experiences of reality, job activity, possessions/ownership, entertainment, and ways of living in the USA.

In Zen, it is not so much the what, but the how that is important. This and that, all changing over a day, seasons and years, is simply what we have to attend to. Each of us have unique confluences of conditions causing us to be the small self we tend to identify with in living life. Yet, shifting from the identified perspective of ‘what’ being real to a much wider, deeper view of seeing how we live through everything is the key. This is a serious life altering key, which doesn’t allow for turning back, playing games, or pretending. Everything becomes very real, even the ignorant acts of delusional defiance and culture-soaked hedonism and idealism. The delusion is separation and will cause suffering if it doesn’t already. The ism’s fearfully defy change and will also cause suffering if it doesn’t already. The known is a mirage against the empty way, a temporary vantage point where we see what is, but any clinging to ‘it’ will certainly cause us suffering if it doesn’t already. “Is that so?” asks the Zen teacher. Will you cling to these thoughts too?

How to live my life? That is my question as I sit to write here and now about my dilemma of choosing activity. I feel as though I have lost a great deal, but that’s just cause I’ve been identified to it. I am largely alone in my conscious awareness of living life, longing to live intimately with another of great awareness. I am confused regarding activity to choose for maintaining my survival in this contemporary society, desiring a bold, creative, helpful vocation that manifests in coherence with the Way everyday. Even though these thoughts essentially plague my mind as potential dreams of how life could possibly be other than it currently is, they may exist to maintain my suffering. If this and that ‘what’, then I may live the ‘how’ I’ve always dreamed! Of course I want a dreamy life where I may live happily ever after doing exactly what I want how I want it, but that’s just not real.

True happiness is allowing and being present with everything as it is. This is the doing of being beyond thinking, unmeasured by any thought whatsoever. Bringing thought into the view quickly distorts, fragments, and destroys our crystal clear ability to see how things already are with awareness. Now, how can I utilize this aware consciousness in transforming my lonely living and contemptuous career into a path of practice with what is? How do I come to know what needs to be done and how to do it through being with it all? This is where I have no answer and have been struggling to find some sense of authentic direction. I see not here and now; I struggle and suffer with the disharmony and disgust in the separation from finding the Way in relationships and work. I don’t know what to do next, nor how to go about knowing such, for I have tried so much already and have not found the Way manifest in my life. This is terribly bizarre, to see with awareness and to not see what nor how to manifest the Way within my own life. This is my unique struggle with purpose.

attitude

How did I get this difficult attitude that is so harshly perfectionistic and critical of my own self? I know how, it was my defense mechanism in dealing with the harsh criticism and judgement that my father applied in his conditional parenting. I was smart, did quite well in school (and got some praise for that activity), and did what I was told to do (or else punishment). I’ve spent countless time relearning about my past and life such that I could arrive at and understand the answer to this question of how my ego conditioned self functions.

But the question for me nowadays is how do I move onward from the old habits that keep me in fearful avoidance of assumed and projected disapproval and punishment? Now that I am softer and more open to the subtleties of life, how do I flow with the energies and live fully, rather than resist, stress, depress, and struggle trying to make it through each torturous day of monotony?

I need an essential healthy attitude adjustment. I do not need a conditional repositioning of views and beliefs such that I can be what others may think is successful. That’s what I’ve been doing most of my life, trying to appease others’ expectations and act well, which drains me of all my good natural positive energy. I am watching this occur each evening I come home after working a job I just barely like (I consider myself lucky and am very grateful for this job at this time in my life, which isn’t an essentially good attitude). The FACT that my energy is so very drained each and every day is a massive warning.

Very deeply I actually, and even somewhat easily now, see the inherent essential goodness of all being. Of course, though, I like to call this The Great Emptiness of the Way, along with Zen Buddhists and Taoists. But each day, I get highly mired in the day-to-day muck of conditional existence. HAH! There! That is my attitude I must change if I am going to rest in deep presence and move from great emptiness in my life. I aspire to live this way more than anything else at all. I see this is my calling to live this way, though it’s manifestation and expression I do not know. I NEED to find the effortless effort of harmonizing with the Great Emptiness and Goodness of the Way things always and already are. My attitude (collection of beliefs, views, and thinking) needs to practically support harmony, not conditional living strategies that I learned in trying to appease parents, teachers, friends, etc.

TOWARDS THIS, I shall read a book I haven’t completely read yet. I will start the book over from the beginning. I acquired Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche’s first book, “Turning the Mind into an Ally” when I started meditating in 2003. As he is quoted on the back cover, “We can create an alliance that allows us to actually use our mind, rather than be used by it. This is a practice anyone can do.”

In my current practice of seeing myself as clearly as possible in order to move beyond the hard conditioned egotistic karmic aspect of my life, I am ready to embrace a thorough attitude adjustment that is harmonious with the Great Allowing Presence of the Way. Since I have experienced a great awakening in this vein at another time of my life (2005-6), I am already very aware that this can be the way in which I live my life. I am hungry for harmonious goodness and a warmly open attitude towards everything.