knowing myself

Knowing myself in the Way things actually are as well as the conditioned aspects of my particular karmically conditioned self is what I have been doing, but now see a little more clearly as an endeavor of necessity in transforming the quality of my state of being and “ending” a chapter of my practice of journalling so frequently. The PURPOSE of my journalling has been to know myself. NOW, I seek to know myself, my karmically conditioned ego self, with a greater confidence in the actuality of SEEing with and abiding in awareness presence of all that is as such. This is the Zen and Taoist quality of nondual being and allowing-will. This is a presence I have known and practiced, yet lost to the suffering of sickness and struggle. It took me a long time and much practice to “get there.” I am determined to know my conditioned self much more thoroughly so as to abide in present truth with myself as I am. The healing I am doing is self-love and acceptance of me as I am, nondualistically, conditioned and unconditioned in living presence.

So, now, discipline is the effort of discontinuing the old, habitual self-hating and separating in both thought and action. Knowing my conditioned self is the effort in thoroughly understanding this conditioned self that I am dealing with as I let go of it’s idosyncracies. I intend to map out my ego self in the form of an authentic autobiography and my process of awakening. Very much like a quiet Tao master, I am not so much interested in becoming a best-selling author or even creating a new technique for awakened self-mastery. In my experience, which I understand is conditioned by a lot of self-marginalization and social separation, awakening is the discovery of the whole of our humanness in an ever-present awareness of our true original nature or essential existence.

This is my journey. I have been writing authentically for a long time now in my journals, this blog, and elsewhere too. Now it is time to take the next serious step of practice that seems apparent for me to do. This is a creative allowing and a willful mindful doing of my practice journey. I am quite happy to do this. It is an open door toward knowing myself AND awakening to the calm abiding peace and happiness of presence.

Thank you for any and all supportive remote intentions you may send my way. Healing and peace for you as well in your journey.

fermentation and clarification of human being

I am researching and learning about nutrition’s effects on mental health. It’s becoming clearer to me that this is the middle path of overall health. A diet for mental health is similar to that for hypoglycemics and pylourics. A diet for mental health is similar to many wieght loss diets. A diet for mental health is similar to a diet for enabling the body in times of serious disease and cancer. This makes great sense! Clearing away some of the conditions that obscure the middle path of health, we can see that health is truly returning to ultimate goodness in all ways. This is the middle path both spiritually and realistically. And as we know by experience, the change from conditioned being to the unconditioned middle way takes time and patience. This is a process much like fermenting dandelion flowers, fresh juice, and local honey into a potent meade. Assembly, fermentation, transformation, clarification, and aging are all a part of the lengthy time-bound specific process of becoming meade. Becoming fully human is similar. It takes quite a lot of our attention and also a lot of letting go of the memes and matter that cloud our being, mentally and physically. This whole process is absolutely spiritual in that we are aware in our attentiveness to the process of change. And with this careful attention that we bring to our lives, we begin to deeply love ourselves and others in the clarifying view of existence that we inhabit so briefly.

One aspect of my clarification that I just realized concerns when I get sick physically. I typically don’t mind getting sick because I get to relax. Ahhh, a clue that I never understood before now. I am learning that my mind does indeed race, often with obsessive compulsive repetition and anxiety. I am learning that this is likely caused by my nutritional deficiencies exhibited in pylouria and hypoglycemia. I am learning that my brain is mostly an overactive one which causes both anxiety and depression in relation to pylouria and hypoglycemia. Lastly, I am realizing that nutritional deficiency (which is mostly a cultural conditioned phenomenon) as well as sickness itself are ways that my “ego-karmic-conditioned-pain-body” has been dealing with my intensity of mind and depth of awareness from an early age. In a word, control. Though in realizing this messy process of becoming a beautifully clarified human, I (Self) am truly embarking on my “solo” journey of healthy being as I see the cloudy particulates slowly settle to the bottom of my being and return to the earth as nutritive energy. These nutrients were what I needed to ferment into what I am now, but their time of activity is now waning and clarifying.

not no, arriving at yes

I have to write in order to get my mind into this moment. This is a practice of mine, one that has grown into a dependence, and writing is dependable at this moment. Maybe not in the future, but right now writing is my practice. I am dependent on my choice to act, to practice what I do as well as how I do.

I cannot think in terms of “no.” Of course, I can. But what I mean is that even when I think in terms of “no” I am not actually thinking “no.” How can this be?

Wrong is always conditional, and always temporal. I, you, us, we, them, it is never wrong. Within a conditionally conceived and constructed situation, stuff appears wrong or right and our body/mind/energy follows along with the thought-perceptions.

If there is no “no,” and no means no only conditionally and temporally, then yes, respect must still be given to our relative-bound existence. Transcendence of the karmically conditioned mind-body is not a possibility, because there simply is no separation (a yes to oneness) as all things change in the now.

How am I so habitually stuck in negatively attached thinking streams? It’s been a survivalistic strategy to bear the karmic conditioning that has naturally taken place. As complex-minded humans, we all experience this with varying degrees of attachment/avoidance, whether we realize it or not.

How can this be true? How does this observation help me heal from my tendency toward depression? What do I do with this understanding?

integrity

The beginning of the Dhammapada goes like this…

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

Threading my life back together in healing recovery from depression, these words resonate for me strongly because they are the creative and sustaining way of nurturing life within and without. “Goodness” is the thought-stream I am currently consciously connecting with that seems to pour through my whole body/mind with the grace of spiritual energy. “Goodness” is the thoughtfulness that can resonate throughout my life and into the world. Focusing my attention on “goodness” within myself, others, and the world can purify my life and bring into existence the always possible life of integrity.

Someone I met breifly about a month and a half ago talked about integrity as one of the most important qualities. At the time, I only slightly understood what he may have been meaning. But as my recovery process continues, I am beginning to recognize the truthful strength of his highly prized value. When life crumbles apart and loved ones are no longer present, personal integrity—our true humble authentic Self—is the remaining element we have to trust. This is a direct connection with our spirt, with God.

Impermance and change are highly visible to us in these moments of revelation. When I focus on “goodness,” my integrity is strengthening and re-aligning with my true nature. This is a remarkably easy process, and yet takes great effort for the first steps of living goodness within (then without) after the insidious patterns of depression. But don’t forget, there is some integrity in all aspects of our lives when we make this effort in the midst of any our troubles, situations, and issues.

That’s all I have time for right now. I needed to share this inside and out. Grace.