Here i go again. I am beating myself up with an array of criticism and negativity. I cannot seem to think through any of it; i am fairly sure that it’s impossible. I need to give it up because it weighs me down, stresses me out, and taps my energy. Circumstances that occur in this conditioned world that I cannot deal with well cause me to pummel myself into trying to deal with it, but seeing that I am not. I am not dealing well with the demands of 21st century living and there is no avoiding it either. I must seemingly abuse myself with work, or lose the work, the money, the relationships, and the whole thing. It seems as though everything is on the line. I have lost one client this way. I was doing my work at my own break-neck pace (slowly, but surely and doing good work too) but being way past deadlines that the client needs is unacceptable for their situation. However, clearly, their situation is not my situation, even if it is interrelated. And this isn’t about upholding one’s word or not being professional, this is this way because of the suffering i experience which corrupts, confounds, and debilitates me. I’ve proven to myself i can battle myself to uphold my word and be professional. But now, i don’t want the battle anymore. I need to ease back when this battle seems to start. I don’t seem to win anything much. Even the “good” that appears to come from this warring is thoroughly stained by the self-sacrificing, unconscious, demoralization of forcing myself to do for others rather than take care of myself. THIS is a major root problem for me. Some might say “suck it up,” or “hard work is good for you,” but I don’t believe that anymore. It’s not true. I have done this year after year, within jobs and relationships, and have lost all of it over and over again, which seems to cause all the more suffering in the forms of loss, grief, and guilt. I haven’t taken care of myself. I need to change my ways of working. I take TOO MUCH ON for others, and often receive far less than it’s worth. But, too, I labor hard over what I do, beating myself up along the way of creating imperfect solutions and less than stellar work. I try too hard and get frustrated with the small details and the slowness of it all. It gets so heavy and I don’t want to do any more of it. I can’t live like this anymore. I get to the point where I don’t want to live at all, because I do not know a way out of this kind of struggle with human existence and relational being in this cultural worldliness. I fear there is no way out. Even my meditation practice seems to suggest that I am pretending if I think that some kind of perfect equilibrium may exist. Change is at core of the way things are, not some harmonic, blissful state of being with humans and nature. And, when I ride along with the work that I do, choosing to fail to see the contradiction in my action, the deep pit of suffering gurgles to remind me of it’s perpetually hungry ghosts that are ready to torment me. “Risk your livelihood for what you think is right,” or “coast along in further anguish in what is convoluted and stressful.” The problem here is that it is all worthless and meaningless. It is not a situation of choice, as it is an opportunity to rest in the presence of being and doing beyond personal commentary and evaluation. Ahh, but I am not a tireless robot, a machine of capable mind and body activity. I am a very lowly human, not great, not special, not ordinary, not anything but a living human being. I continue to feed off of a cultural paradigm as much as it’s food supply. I’m conditioned to live this way, and I am not so happy with it because I feel very abused by the seemingly concrete and oppressive conditionality of the way I am expected to be–on time, appropriate, suitable, smart, efficient, friendly, professional, etc. Honestly, I don’t believe all this stuff, because when I meditate, do qi gong and butoh, the thinking mind abates into rich sensorial aware presence where thought is secondary. But in the “real” world, the thought-time-space-ego-meaning structures are primary! WHY do i experience actuality and reality as an inverse relationship? Is this accurate and true? Krishnamurti and Zen monks seem to see this kind of a relationship too.

But this is where I typically stop in my tracks. What now? Back to the load of work? Onward with the sleep deprivation and stressing out my mind and body? Is it even possible for me to relax in doing this work? [Massive lightning just struck the earth a moment ago and took me by surprise. A lone lightning bolt of awakening!] Some rain follows. Ahh, another lightning flash makes the previous one less of a shock. I am already dulled by the plip & thap of rain hitting the urban ground. I don’t have anything left to lose. I don’t have anything of meaning anymore. It’s as though I have to maintain the meaning just to wake up in the morning and hurt myself all day long doing what I don’t care to do and for no particular reason. I have no one left in my life. Father, brother and ex-fiancee all gone. All I see now are token selfish gestures of “hi” and the same old conversations. That’s beyond boring, that’s ignorant samsara–on my part and theirs! I’ve lived a good portion of my life now, and I just don’t see any reason why any of this will actually change out of the ebb and flow of samsara. It’s a river egotistic life. How can I refuse ego without a war, and let go of cultural manifestations without isolation? How can I love myself in this milieu? How can I actually help anyone, as I struggle to the bone of my being? How can I be helped myself, by me, other, and nature? Why is my life filled with day-to-day struggle and difficulty in existing in this thusness of humanness?

I’m sorry, but I don’t know. And when I realize the nature of the way, some peace does flow within, but a glance at all that needs to be remembered, done, and practiced in work, social, and personal life–I gasp and want to go to sleep first, i don’t have the energy for it.

I’ve been sharing my struggles with life with a few people lately. I needed the input, because I wasn’t getting “far enough” and through my issues. (Two of my core issues)

Here are a couple quotes from my journal after a discussion with my brother who made time for me to talk over the weekend. “Let go, not of the loving and the authentic awareness connection in openness, BUT of the issue, the knowing, the wanting other than what is. Return to tending, being with, and resting in presence.” “The seeing that my issue of lamenting non-authentic connection with “loved ones” is causing suffering for me and for others and causing non-connection with current loved ones is revelatory.”

Then, after thinking and understanding these things, some calm relflection allowed me to let go and realize that letting go in awareness is compassionate action. And, it was clear, and still is rather clear that this letting go IS compassion. Awareness is the truth of our being in existence, which is non-egotistic and non-dualistic and non-thinking. The simplicity of this calm and simple truth is so often unknown and unexperienced because we are not letting go of our “egocentric karmic conditioning,” as Cheri Huber puts it. And then it is also clear that there is nothing to gain when we let go. This isn’t about health or peace, this is about seeing that we are creating our own suffering and we can realize it’s cessation through the compassionate activity of letting go of the madness of all of it–ego, conditioning, thoughts, feelings, sensations, body, habits, consciousness, desires, avoidances, beliefs, ideas, et cetera. This is where Krishnamurti is so helpful in reiterating over and over that “the seeing is the doing.” When we see that we are causing our own suffering by not letting go, then letting go is compassionate activity.

Gratitude to all wise teachers, aware friends, and those who don’t quite understand, because learning abounds if we are open to the way things are.

Tonight has been unusual and I feel very compelled to write about my experience here and now. I have already written in my handwritten journal during the experience. So, this blog post is reflection.

I walked home slowly and reflectively from the bus, returning from a typical day at work.

I was tired and annoyed about the build-up of stress throughout the day. I awoke to the day quite nicely in the morning. I rested for a few moments and decided to take a bath before getting to many tasks I needed to do. Though after the bath, relaxed bodily yet stressed mentally, I returned to resting. I was highly annoyed and agitated in thought though my body was resting, nearly sleeping. I slept lightly for a couple hours. Upon gently waking, I did not feel like moving, as though I was very depressed. I was very agitated in not wanting to suffer nor participate in any suffering. Slowly, as my thinking went onto more tangible aspects of life (like wanting to eat and needing to do work), I sat up at the edge of my bed.

I wasn’t about to do anything, feeling miserable, I wanted to resolve the suffering situation I was in. I started writing in my journal. I was writing about how conflicted and delusional thinking is and that I continue maintaining such thinking.

I researched a little on the internet after writing a question with a lot of emotion: Why am I not released from my suffering like before in my life? I read some of thework.com and did some of the work I am not unwilling to do anymore.

I continued to write, but a little more focused. I quote my journal here.

I am very annoyed by all the contradictory thinking delusion that causes suffering in this world/for humans. This “prevents” me from feeling peace, because I see the existence of it (the delusion and the suffering). Thusly, I do not know what to do since suffering appears to exist beyond my natural existence/original nature. Even as delusion in the conscious brainwashing and habitual karma of humanity, not Jesus, Buddha, nor any heros change the fact that the delusion persists like a plague! Ironically, humans survive even with such stress and self-inflicted pain! So, then, how can I be free of suffering in my own life as I know most other humans suffer greater duress and even unconsciously to the point of causing greater suffering? I don’t know how to live a life free of suffering (because I know the cause–ignorant desire for things to be other t h a n t h e y a r e!)

There it was/is! The extra spaces between the letters meant I was getting it! I smiled and realized the illogical, contradictory thinking feedback that was happening in my brain that caused the annoyance, frustration, and suffering. The belief I held so strongly to was debunked through simple logic. NO WONDER! How could our mind, brain, body, energy be flowing peacefully with such inconsistency and hypocrisy! How can we live well with all life if our minds are messed up with contradictory beliefs and untruthful thoughts. This is a truly wonderful moment of realization for me.

I nearly immediately calmed down and started doing the work I needed to do. After I did my work for a couple hours, I decided to write this post. I am happy to offer this to you as plainly as I have.

Knowing myself in the Way things actually are as well as the conditioned aspects of my particular karmically conditioned self is what I have been doing, but now see a little more clearly as an endeavor of necessity in transforming the quality of my state of being and “ending” a chapter of my practice of journalling so frequently. The PURPOSE of my journalling has been to know myself. NOW, I seek to know myself, my karmically conditioned ego self, with a greater confidence in the actuality of SEEing with and abiding in awareness presence of all that is as such. This is the Zen and Taoist quality of nondual being and allowing-will. This is a presence I have known and practiced, yet lost to the suffering of sickness and struggle. It took me a long time and much practice to “get there.” I am determined to know my conditioned self much more thoroughly so as to abide in present truth with myself as I am. The healing I am doing is self-love and acceptance of me as I am, nondualistically, conditioned and unconditioned in living presence.

So, now, discipline is the effort of discontinuing the old, habitual self-hating and separating in both thought and action. Knowing my conditioned self is the effort in thoroughly understanding this conditioned self that I am dealing with as I let go of it’s idosyncracies. I intend to map out my ego self in the form of an authentic autobiography and my process of awakening. Very much like a quiet Tao master, I am not so much interested in becoming a best-selling author or even creating a new technique for awakened self-mastery. In my experience, which I understand is conditioned by a lot of self-marginalization and social separation, awakening is the discovery of the whole of our humanness in an ever-present awareness of our true original nature or essential existence.

This is my journey. I have been writing authentically for a long time now in my journals, this blog, and elsewhere too. Now it is time to take the next serious step of practice that seems apparent for me to do. This is a creative allowing and a willful mindful doing of my practice journey. I am quite happy to do this. It is an open door toward knowing myself AND awakening to the calm abiding peace and happiness of presence.

Thank you for any and all supportive remote intentions you may send my way. Healing and peace for you as well in your journey.

I have two very core personal issues to share. I’ve seen these issues with more clarity and less clinging, so I want to record and share this struggle to clarify the conditioning in my life for myself and others. I can see this is a big place for me to be right now. I am learning due to truly practicing with the way my life is. That’s the way it is for every single human–the process of realizing our true being in actuality.

I’ll get on with it. Core Issue Two: I am not accepting all things to be as they are and working with everything as it is. I daydream about choosing something else for my life–some other job, some other profession, some other location, some other place, some other food, some other person, some other music, some other interest endeavor, or anything else than what and how I may be doing now in my life. I wish things were different with my father, with my brother, with my ex-fiancee. I am beginning to more clearly see the dreamy story of otherness that my conditioned mind repeatedly generates which makes me feel miserable. I feel miserable because I don’t have what my conditioned mind is thinking is better than what exists now in my life. So, I am seeing this mind running away from presence with dreams and desires of delusion. However, with this seeing of the habitual mind activity, I experience distance from the suffering because I am no longer just totally believing these dreamy thoughts of otherness. The story-esque otherness doesn’t actually exist and this conditioned mind is rambling on with gobbledygook that causes me to feel horrible and miserable and not accept what is actually happening in my life. This is the suffering of the illusion of separation which I am seeing happening more clearly. I am authentically practicing seeing deeply into how this egotistic-story-generating-conditioned-mind is a cause of suffering in my life. I am learning not to follow it’s grandiosity and to return to this very moment of present existence as it is. This is practicing deep acceptance of the greatness of the Way existence always and already is. Am I recognizing this Truth, this gentle brilliance of being OR am I infatuated by all sorts of ideas about how things could be if only things were different. I must return to acceptance in order to experience peace in living day-to-day life.

OK, that was issue Two; here’s the deeper Core Issue One. I want what I’ve felt I’ve never truly had–authentic deep human connection. I feel miserable just writing it here. This is very emotional for me, yet I remain focused to concentrate on seeing into this issue so that I may not suffer like this for the rest of my life. I can see that my suffering arises from the cloud of story surrounding what I may think of as “authentic deep human connection.” Let me put it this way, IF others’ and I connect only through the conditional framework of cultural worldliness and never seem to get to a synergy at the core and/or a miniscule moment of mutual aware recognition of our essential being beyond conditioning, THEN I think we failed to connect authentically. This may or may not be actually true. It is very important for me to see this way in which I view relationships with others. For example in my actual life, I have had moments of very deep mutual seeing into and beyond the typical culturally conditioned delusions of reality. This may or may not have been “authentic connection!” Which leads me to see that the way I am evaluating interpersonal activity and relations is wonky and conditional! If I think this way about life, then I am layering my thought-structure over what has happened, after the fact. This is dampening my experiences and creating suffering for myself and others. SO, I am seeing into my invovlement into part of the reason why I don’t seem to experience “deep authentic human connection” in life. I blame others’ all too often in their short-sightedness and clingings to their thoughts and dreamings, but I am doing this (too). Next steps in my practice with this issue is 1) more observing of my physical and mental activity in personal interaction, 2) softening my body, mind, and gaze particularly around others, 3) remembering that I am able to unlock this issue as a function of how I see into it and the directness with which I dispell the egotistic delusional beliefs, views, and thoughts that cause suffering for me and others.

How did I get this difficult attitude that is so harshly perfectionistic and critical of my own self? I know how, it was my defense mechanism in dealing with the harsh criticism and judgement that my father applied in his conditional parenting. I was smart, did quite well in school (and got some praise for that activity), and did what I was told to do (or else punishment). I’ve spent countless time relearning about my past and life such that I could arrive at and understand the answer to this question of how my ego conditioned self functions.

But the question for me nowadays is how do I move onward from the old habits that keep me in fearful avoidance of assumed and projected disapproval and punishment? Now that I am softer and more open to the subtleties of life, how do I flow with the energies and live fully, rather than resist, stress, depress, and struggle trying to make it through each torturous day of monotony?

I need an essential healthy attitude adjustment. I do not need a conditional repositioning of views and beliefs such that I can be what others may think is successful. That’s what I’ve been doing most of my life, trying to appease others’ expectations and act well, which drains me of all my good natural positive energy. I am watching this occur each evening I come home after working a job I just barely like (I consider myself lucky and am very grateful for this job at this time in my life, which isn’t an essentially good attitude). The FACT that my energy is so very drained each and every day is a massive warning.

Very deeply I actually, and even somewhat easily now, see the inherent essential goodness of all being. Of course, though, I like to call this The Great Emptiness of the Way, along with Zen Buddhists and Taoists. But each day, I get highly mired in the day-to-day muck of conditional existence. HAH! There! That is my attitude I must change if I am going to rest in deep presence and move from great emptiness in my life. I aspire to live this way more than anything else at all. I see this is my calling to live this way, though it’s manifestation and expression I do not know. I NEED to find the effortless effort of harmonizing with the Great Emptiness and Goodness of the Way things always and already are. My attitude (collection of beliefs, views, and thinking) needs to practically support harmony, not conditional living strategies that I learned in trying to appease parents, teachers, friends, etc.

TOWARDS THIS, I shall read a book I haven’t completely read yet. I will start the book over from the beginning. I acquired Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche’s first book, “Turning the Mind into an Ally” when I started meditating in 2003. As he is quoted on the back cover, “We can create an alliance that allows us to actually use our mind, rather than be used by it. This is a practice anyone can do.”

In my current practice of seeing myself as clearly as possible in order to move beyond the hard conditioned egotistic karmic aspect of my life, I am ready to embrace a thorough attitude adjustment that is harmonious with the Great Allowing Presence of the Way. Since I have experienced a great awakening in this vein at another time of my life (2005-6), I am already very aware that this can be the way in which I live my life. I am hungry for harmonious goodness and a warmly open attitude towards everything.

I feel so confused and disoriented when I really want life to be other than it is.
SO LET GO OF WANTING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.

I feel lost and foresaken when I consider that those who “love” me argue against me and reject me.
SO DO NOT ARGUE, DO NOT TAKE THEM PERSONALLY, AND DEEPLY ACCEPT ALL AS THEY ARE.

How do I manage to enjoy this lonely life?
RECOMMIT TO BEING HEALING ENERGY AND PRESENCE WITHIN, AND EVENTUALLY WITH PRACTICE, WITHOUT. THIS ENERGY IS INFINITE TRUTH EMBEDDED IN THESE WORLDLY FORMS.

How do I let go of all the clinging to what I want and avoidance of what I don’t want?
LET GO OF YOUR SEPARATE SELF-BASED CONDITIONED IGNORANCE AND BE ILLUMINATED BY THE BEAUTIFUL INFINITE ENERGY OF TRUTH

ONLY IN AN INSTANT OF CLARITY, THIS MOMENT BECOMES BOUNDLESS.
THIS EXPERIENCE IS SIMPLE ENLIGHTENMENT.
THERE IS NOTHING TO GAIN, FOR THIS THUSNESS IS IMMEASURABLE.
WHY CONTINUE WITH THE CONSCIOUS STRUGGLE OF THINKING, PERCEIVING, AND FEELING AROUND IRONING OUT CONDITIONED REALITY? HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED WITH ENOUGH PAINFUL SUFFERING THAT SUCH UNDERSTANDING IS ENDLESSLY FUTILE?
LETTING GO MEANS DISCONTINUING, DETACHING, RELAXING, ALLOWING, ACCEPTING, AND PEACEFULLY ABIDING IN THIS SITUATION AND MOMENT, ALWAYS HERE AND NOW.

PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE, FOR SUFFERING MAY BE ENDED NOW. IF CONDITIONED DELUSION DISTORTS YOUR NATURAL BEING, THEN IMMEDIATELY RETURN TO THE TRUTH THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW WITHIN. AS SUCH, REALIZE GREAT JOY, HEALTH, PEACE, COMFORT, ENERGY, CALM, WISDOM, AND RETURN TO LIVING TRUTH IN NATURAL FORM NOW.